Dear car in front of me, don't yell at me for tailgating. You chose to play the DVD, I chose to watch it with your kids

Do you know how many Vietnam vets it takes to change a lightbulb? Of course you don't! You weren't there, man!

Momma once told me that whores are like chocolate. Pay more for the good ones because you have no clue what's inside the cheap ones.

When my son asks me whats the most I ever paid for sex I'll answer marriage, and child support

Dear hot moms in yoga outfits,please watch your kids. I almost ran over your kid with a cart because I was too busy staring at your ass. Thx

Every time I see a fat cocaine addict I want to grab them and scream "Make up your mind!"

I'm not stalking you, but dammit! Stop putting the corn in that cabinet! Doesn't belong there, it goes in the pantry next to the green beans

I wonder how many dudes were inspired enough by porno films to become plumbers and tv repairmen

Is Oprah truly gone? Or is she like those old Friday the 13th movies and will wake up and continue her show for another 20 years

I've learned something new today. When two black motorcycle cops pull you over and you nickname them 'Chocolate Chips' they beat your ass!

Thanks to alcohol I now possess the power to travel 8 hours in the future. I will call this superpower 'blacking out'

Please tell me I'm not the only dude who had to apologize to a hot mom for screaming 'If I was that kid I'd suck those funbags until I'm 18'

Roses are red, violets are blue. I suck at poems.......nice tits!

If you see me outside w/a paper bag on my head carrying a tv,I'm looting!If you see me outside in a batman outfit chasing bunnies,I'm drunk!

I once woke up next to a beautiful girl an thought 'Yes!' only to have her wake up, see me and mutter 'Thats it, No more drinking for me!'

I don't have a 100 star tweet, but I have 20 5 star tweets and that should count

This Corona tastes like 'Get off your ass and go buy some real beer!'

If I ever meet the bastard that invented claw machines I'm gonna beat the piss out of him until he gives me my $20 back or the pink bear

Most people get a rush w/coffee. Me, I prefer logging on FB and screaming out loud 'Fuck you,the man you cook for and those ugly ass kids!'

Everytime I see a snowman but no snowballs I imagine he's married