"I don't care how many stars I get" is the new "I don't have time for a boyfriend right now anyway"

Ever since Kanye West showed up, Taylor Swift has been keeping her tweets to 70 characters just in case.

I think BP is trying the old husband trick of fucking it up enough times until the wife takes over.

Just saw a book called 'Twitter for Dummies'. They left out the 'is'.

BP has promised 'virtually all' of the oil will be recaptured. And I promise 'virtually all' of my sperm won't impregnate you. Bend over.

Uruguay AND Paraguay win? The World Cup is taking this Guay pride thing a little too far.

"The network you are connecting to is not secure." That's ok, neither are most of the people I'm about to chat with.

Upon hearing that I assembled the new bunk beds by myself, my sons renamed the top and bottom bunks to 'falling' and 'crushed'.

My ex-wife used to bug me to get a vasectomy all the time. I would ask - "But what if my next wife is younger?" No idea why we divorced.

She promised me one minute of blowjob for every star this tweet gets. Help me out here.

If you're annoyed by 50cent tweeting, just picture him fighting with autocorrect on his iPhone.

And smile.

The irony is, you'd think Monster.com would get busy when Twitter is screwed up. Nope.

Why yes I *am* pretty sore from the vasectomy, but this Dora icepack is easing the pain. And reminding me why I did it.

On second thought this "Thug's Life" tattoo probably shouldn't have been done in Comic Sans.

The fact that your profile says 'Aspirating Model' indicates failure on so many levels.

I hate when a guy in a bar pretends to be a Fireman to pick up girls.






It's less believable with both of us doing it.

Now that I tweet at every stoplight, I never find time to pick my nose any more.

The total age of the women I've slept with this year is 132, which would be so much more impressive if it was more than two women.

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.


I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away.

I used to be the 'funny one' hanging out with the beautiful people and I hated it. Here I'm not the funny one and... Shit.