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My smart phone just autocorrected "jizz" to "kids" #wise
Happy listen-to-your-bosses-lesbian-stories taco thursday, everyone.
The secret to getting through the holidays with your family is vodka and appetizers made from meat wrapped in other meat.
It's that time of the month again...my bathroom trash can is full of tampons and heineken cans and I wish I had a bf to empty it for me.
Make a difference, go fuck yourself.
This promotion at my shitty job seems more of a consolation prize for my bad life decisions and crushed dreams.
My fave moment of the day is when my morning vodka redbull and cigarette hit me just right...cocked, locked, & ready to roll, ya'all.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathtub drinking beer for the next 3 hours. Thanks.
"i like to display pictures of other people's happy families to remind you, as you pillage for junk food, that you will die alone"
I lost my virginity on a thanksgiving. While his family was stuffing a turkey, he was next door stuffing me.
You know what makes this cheap champagne taste so magical?
Surprisingly, this vodka really cuts the taste of espresso.
What's the best way to tell your friend her coochie smells like a dirty hamster cage?
"it was thick like lotion," she exclaimed, obviously confused about the humor everyone else found in her statement.
What's the name of that pill that helps you not talk about your daddy issues when drunk and makes your feet smell better?
Last night someone told me that I'd look really great pregnant, and that got me thinking...I should be drunk at work more.
Hey Fuck you, Friday at 5am.
the tvs have become microwaves and the couches are toilets. The bedskirts on the outskirts are plotting against us. Move out.
Turns out my diaper rash was a good enough excuse to get out of family thanksgiving.
To that homeless guy I gave a buck to last night, I wasn't hitting on you.
blonde, blue-eyed, & buxom. yeah, that was me making the jacking off motion at you. sponsored by grey goose. please don't make me look at pictures of your kids.