Any man on a dating website longer than 6 months has a small dick. Fact!

When your teen son comes home and asks if you know what a Alabama hot pocket is, what's scarier that he knows what it is or that that I do?

You screw around on Twitter all day at work only to come home and have your family expect you to cook THEM fucking dinner! So selfish!

When your husband calls you a "dirty whore" you know your doing something right.

Tim Tebow is no longer a virgin... He just got fucked by the Broncos!

The liquor is calling the shots now...

Men with small dicks drive ridiculously large trucks. Fact!

Husband choking, life insurance good and I pretend not to notice. Now all of a sudden I'm a bitch! It's not like I know the hymlick!

If I had to choose between being a slut or whore I would have to be a whore because if have to get fucked I want to be paid.

Does anyone else have a teenager that's an asshole or do I have really bad luck?

I'm going to respond to all my friends on Facebook comments with"That shit cray" today. 90% wont even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Husband: Your such a bitch. Me: Your a piece of shit! Foreplay done!!

I just told the plummer he has a shitty job and he didnt laugh. He looked at me like I'm full of crap! Dick!

I just saw a white woman doing nails at the nail salon. A WHITE WOMAN! What a crazy day this is!

I'm going to create a new game called Angry Vagina's it eats up small dicks, premature ejaculators & selfish pricks! Am I missing anything?

Sometimes Twitter makes me feel so dirty... Being married its a nice change! Thanks guys!

A small Dick is like cotton candy, it disappears when you put it in your mouth.

Confidence booster for guys "wow, that hurts"

What worse than coming home to dog diarrhea? Dog diarrhea with a paw print in it!!

Yea that's right, give it to me baby... Seriously give me the fucking candy! Kids are so selfish!