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My girlfriend is out of town so I finally get to sit around and drown in my misery and act sad like I always loved doing
Usually the best advice you can give someone is "don't ruin everything again by doing what you always do"
Does anybody in San Francisco want to cut my hair this weekend? Professionals only. Not just some random weirdo who just wants to
A committed relationship is just two people saying "no, I love you more" over and over again until one of them dies
Which one is correct?
Of course I'm terrified for the future but the present is pretty terrible also
Nothing is a bigger waste of your precious time on earth than being afraid to take a risk
Johnny Depp sitting on a giant pile of scarves and rings wondering where it all went wrong
I'm so hungry I want to punch myself in the face
The ultimate proof that Twitter is here to stay is that when people are upset about Twitter they go on Twitter to tweet about it
Whenever someone posts an old picture of themselves a funny think to do is say "wow what the fuck happened to you?"
Los Angeles is hosting the Super Bowl in 2021 so if you start driving now you'll probably get there by halftime
producer of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. director of Looking for Lenny. founder of Unspirational. very indoorsy
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