50 is the new dead.

BILLY MAYS IS NOT MY LOVER

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into Lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.

Who wants to go smartcar tipping with me?

Drink idea: Coney Island Iced Tea. Like an L.I. Iced tea, only with sand and broken glass in it.

Math jokes at the bar are not fun. Don't drink and derive.

You can't lose a condom in a girl's ass for 36 hours and not buy her lunch.

THE PANCAKES ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE

Avril Lavigne is our state bird.

Some girl at the bar just went: "Oh. My. God." so I said: "Look. At her butt."

Curvy waitress: "let me know if you have any questions"

Me: "why you gotta make them shorts work so hard???"

Live every week like it's shark week.

"To boldly go where everyone else has gone before."

Best slogan I've ever seen on a plumber's truck.

When Twitter is down, yell "FAVORITE" at attractive strangers.

Some people are like slinkies... Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

"JRZ Girl" bumper sticker on a Scion coupe. As if your black hair, fake tan and black eyeliner didn't give it away already.

Why am I watching a Miley Cyrus vidWHY AM I SINGING ALONG

Oh this is a tasty milkshake... HEY WHAT ARE ALL THESE BOYS DOING??? GET OFF MY YARD.

Thanks to Twitter, I just took a 23 minute poop. AND NOW I'M STUCK IN THE BATHROOM CUZ MY LEGS FELL ASLEEP I CAN'T FEEL THEM SOMEBODY HELP

A huge thank you to everyone who supported us at #thebreakcontest we should have results today! http://t.co/i5L5Y29d - EVERYTHING IS FREE.