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One of my favorite things about European history is that Henry VIII started his own religion just so he could divorce his wife.
“But I can’t conquer China! It’s way too big…”
“Now Genghis, what do I always say?”
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t.”
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it. I’m serious.
That Israeli how he does it.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women?
No, not that one. The other one.
No, the other one.
Bored? Go into one of those Catholic confessionals today and see how long it takes the priest to realize you’re describing Batman’s life.
WHAT THE HECK WHAT TIME IS IT. WHY IS IT SO DARK OUTSIDE
The Lion King is probably my favorite children's movie about running away from your problems until you're strong enough to kill your uncle.
From now on, I'm referring to my ex girlfriends as "yesterbae's."
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
One more political tweet:
Leslie Knope/Ron Swanson 2016
Fall in love with somebody who treats you the same way Kanye treats Kanye.
Lifehack: I always carry a piece of paper with me just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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