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“But I can’t conquer China! It’s way too big…”
“Now Genghis, what do I always say?”
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t.”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Bored? Go into one of those Catholic confessionals today and see how long it takes the priest to realize you’re describing Batman’s life.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
One more political tweet:
Leslie Knope/Ron Swanson 2016
You think you’re really smart until you try to turn on someone else’s shower.
You want to know what real sadness is?
Imagine a dragon trying blow up some balloons, but he keeps setting them on fire.
Who you play as in Mario Kart tells me everything I need to know about who you are as a person.
In honor of Columbus Day I'm going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
[Meeting at Round Table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Castles but bouncier”
“But you gotta take your shoes off”
If you ever think that you’ve made a big mistake, just remember that in 1788 the Austrian army attacked itself and lost 10,000 men.
I’m quite confident that the reason i’m single Is because i didn’t forward that chain letter in 2006.
Can't get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
If you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important, just remember that the Ancient Greeks never came up with a word for “blue”.
“How much for the horse tornado?”
“Sir, that’s a carousel.”
“I must have it.”
Idea: We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies, they’ll dig the wrong way.
It’s called thinking ahead, guys.
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like, “Let’s give the horses a shot at it.”
Every time a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch to show them what I’m capable of.