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Disney owns marvel.
Marvel owns Thor.
Thor is the son of a king.
Thor is now female.
Thor is now a Disney princess.
“But I can’t conquer China! It’s way too big…”
“Now Genghis, what do I always say?”
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t.”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women?
No, not that one. The other one.
No, the other one.
Bored? Go into one of those Catholic confessionals today and see how long it takes the priest to realize you’re describing Batman’s life.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children's movie about running away from your problems until you're strong enough to kill your uncle.
From now on, I'm referring to my ex girlfriends as "yesterbae's."
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
One more political tweet:
Leslie Knope/Ron Swanson 2016
Fall in love with somebody who treats you the same way Kanye treats Kanye.
Lifehack: I always carry a piece of paper with me just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
You want to know what real sadness is?
Imagine a dragon trying blow up some balloons, but he keeps setting them on fire.
You think you’re really smart until you try to turn on someone else’s shower.
To the girl of my dreams who left Starbucks an hour ago: You should come back now. I just remembered how to speak English.
Who you play as in Mario Kart tells me everything I need to know about who you are as a person.
In honor of Columbus Day I'm going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Ha! Nice try.
I: Excuse me?
M: That’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
You can’t judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities too harshly when we live in a world where “Toddlers In Tiaras” exists.