My students freak when they find out I have a first name. Pretty sure their little heads would explode if they knew what hubs did to my butt

Related: that awkward moment when you tell your son to give you a kiss on his daddy's weiner cleaner and all the pre school teachers stare.

I firmly believe if you have ever let him put it in your ass you should be able to borrow his razor without attitude.

Platonic dick sucking should be a thing.

If all men called women "stunning" with an Australian accent, all women would be naked.

Fewer husbands would act like dickheads if they truly knew how many men were trying to stick it in their wives.

If you are a guy and put "lolololololololololol" in a note, I will assume you giggled your tiny penis right off.

Just left wal-mart with my weekly milk, eggs, bread and boost to my ego.

Seriously. All three-year-olds can go fuck themselves.

If you have ever had to say the phrase "fingering my a-s-s" because your kid was within ear shot...you are my kind of mom.

Never know how to react when someone is sincere and sweet on Twitter. Always feel like they are secretly plotting ways to violate my ass.

More bisexual women would solve the problem. Whatever the problem is...

Parent meetings seem like a good time to test this whole vodka is odorless theory.

I had no idea the best part about being a working adult would be the daily game of "how strong can you make your coffee and live?"

All of my favorite things in life involve getting completely wet.

Hanging out with that drunk friend in college who repeated herself, never made sense and peed all the time prepared me to have a toddler.

When I first had my kid I wouldn't let him sleep without me watching every breath. Now he roller blades with a chain saw - mommy evolution.

I didn't even know this many people lived in Canada until I joined Twitter.

I like to run at 10 PM because I've always understood that rape isn't cheating.

If you aren't trying to jam my ankles around my smile, chances are I'm not smiling.