I read that, last year, 4,153,237 people got married.

I don't mean to start shit or anything, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Men are like pantyhose: they either run, cling, or don't fit right in the crotch.

I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I hate punctuation.

Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Searched for "ninjas" using thesaurus.com.

Result: "ninjas cannot be found"

Well played, ninjas. Well played.

Thanks to Facebook, I no longer network socially. Thanks to Twitter, I drink a lot.

Shot my first turkey today! Scared the shit outta me...and everyone else in the frozen food section.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Just caught a glimpse of my titties bouncing in the mirror at the gym and now I'm a lesbian.

Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck.

FB Friend Recommends says that 15 of my current friends already "Like" Sarah Palin.

In related news, I now have 15 friendship spaces avail.

My favorite color is bacon.

If you can't laugh during sex, then get outta my room...BOTH OF YOU!

During hardcore sex, I like to yell "Fuck me senseless!"...as if I had any sense to begin with.

Overheard a guy tell a girl she was ugly. I told him to save his breath because he was going to need it to blow up his next date. #IWin

My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.

I don't star tweets with links in them...unless it's sausage links, then that's a whole different story.

What I said: Wanna go up and smoke? What she heard: Wanna go up in smoke? Anyway, totally on fire.