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I'm not racist or anything, but ew, a pregnant lady just touched me.
Day 11 of not seeing boyfriend. My cat looks pretty in her dress.
Reading a book. Impressed with the method they've used to deal with the problem of not having a scrollbar.
Ah, sweet Suburbia, where everything you do is accompanied by the sound of someone, somewhere, mowing their fucking lawn.
I've got that disorder where I have to clean my house. I'm not sure what the proper medical term for it is, I just call it "Visitors".
She did a dumb thing. She did it again. She told herself to stop doing it. She did the dumb thing again.
Boom. Memoirs done.
So I ask my cat if she has any friends of her own species. And she mutters, "Pot. Kettle." And I'm like, "Woohoo! Talking cat!"
How do eyebrows know where to grow? Related: 4:13am.
It makes me a little bit sad that you don't get to be "Fish of the Day" without also being dead.
If a lady and a cat love each other, is it creepy for the cat to drink the bath water while the lady is still in it?
Time was a lady could buy a cucumber without needing to loudly mention her salad plans.
That thing where you say something technical and a man ignores you, then another man says it and they're a genius? FUCK YOU.
So my boyfriend dished up dinner tonight and he let the peas touch the potato and now we have to break up.
You yell, "Wanna fuck?" as you drive past. I hear, "My penis is so tiny it's technically an innie" as I keep on walking.
Aww. My cat is sitting down holding a pencil between her two front paws. Can your human child do that?
A bird pooped on my cat. I was surprised the little fella could even fly with balls that big.
A year on and my cat still cannot speak basic English. Learn our language before you move here, ya little fuckers.
If I brush my eyebrows down and my eyelashes up, they meet. Anyone needs a productivity guru, I'm the one in the corner with the tiny comb.
One minute you're a vegetarian, and then bam, eighteen years later you're all weepy about the little bees vomiting up honey for our toast.
You know that thing where you do a fart that sounds exactly like Chewbacca and your cat is like, "Meh", so you have to tell Twitter?
Professional recluse moonlighting as a cat lady. Interests include toast, earthworms, old men in suits, and the Oxford comma.