I've always wanted to grab somebody by the necktie aggressively only to pretend like I'm fixing it when others notice.

Say what you will Viagra, I'm going to torture my wife with my impotence.

When a label says "do not mix with alcohol" it is only a suggestion, you know, like those yellow street signs.

Bet Jesus feels a bit silly for helping me out of all those jams with law enforcement, when all I do is make jokes about Him and His dad.

I have a story behind each and every tattoo I didn't get.

I hate it when God follows me into the bathroom.

Since when? has sarcasm NOT been the coolest way to communicate with other assholes your thoughts and feelings re: the human condition?

I'll stop smoking on the day when factory smoke-stacks and exhaust pipes stop spewing smoke into the air, or when my jaw falls off. :(

Fabio is totally not as hot as he used to be.

I think, therefore I am...depressed.

Death will always be both the best and worst argument for Life.

You have to find the funny in life, because it sure as hell isn't going to find you.

I could really do without the last 5 years or so without affecting anything outside the time machine.

In the razor blade words of Thom Yorke, "We hope your rules and wisdom choke you."

I'm the guy at the party everybody thought was already dead. #Imtheguyattheparty

I'm thinking about recasting myself in the role of life. I was not my first choice.

My only retirement program included my Garbage Pail Kids collection. Not even CLOSE to my estimated million.

Sometimes I'll tweet just to prove to you guys that I'm still alive. See?

This poop smells like it's been inside of me too long.

My body is beginning to reject my lifestyle.