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  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Afraid that if I start a new hobby, it'll confuse my dick.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    Lifeasno7paxton007CelebrityChezhookmeupinitbjaynashDrinkingatWorkNeilBrownATL_TeaChap
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    hookmeupinitDrinkingatWorkNeilBrownATLhawkeyehaynesmcfuzzynutz______TheChiefAlbertfarleftcoast
    DrinkingatWork
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    I know it's a little disturbing, but if you learn to like Mondays, you get to enjoy everyone around you suffering.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    VerifiedDrunkTrainedHedonisttissytassy13______CroweJam__sHaRD__squiggIelineRawwwrraporkrimsen________
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Lyrshawonderkiller____WTHmarshieYayItsYasminthirdeye1011calluptomepalvix3__shamroxmysox
    calluptome
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    CaseyMcCollumSunkSubmarines__sHaRD__stankloafRickyScamplacrossemom5Ginlicker________MyLongBalls
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    FarrantasticPurplepanda1992MyLongBallscharlzerodaisywaitsrideziadaimanSalmaAbudeiftashamiel
    Aspersioncast
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    CaseyMcCollumCrowetoonsmaybestef________Sheila_Mac420YetiYakAttackcharlzeroBumpyRIde_mmadkat__________
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    bankoftweetsHerPinkRibbonsmuddled_gaucheHuesDaVinci______kittenishcutieChiefsBeWithYouTheBoyTimiRicass051
    slyoung5MrFornicator
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    cops ask stupid questions like "do you know how fast you were going" as if I care. Unless I broke the land speed record shut the fuck up.

    • 535
    • FAVS
    _Ms_Moneypenny_awescarBrentweetsKillpopkultureCrystalMe523Eric_Bader________VonBrutal________NeonWhisky
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    lizziecamfieldEric_Bader________RukittenmeSgettyOJeremyOrgesAlya_AlMualla____KidsTheZeDaysTheNaughtyNymph
    LilRedRidngWoodDickCharming
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Wouldn't it be cool if gay men could absorb unwanted pregnancies into their assholes?

    • 25
    • FAVS
    repomonCuntRunt__________MyHeadSaysThisCpez38MyLongBallsl1zerdpreetaleeMurseBrianRN
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    vaggieburger______CuntRunt__________preetaleeMurseBrianRNtoo_racy_for_FB__BryainiacvonngilmoreJackayyye
    MurseBrianRN
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    My parents never bought me a bong:(

    • 16
    • FAVS
    JesTurtle________Dorkstressiamsaltlakespotswojbenjohnsonart____Tinkerbell_Ivsy01ritechus_kevin
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    shellyspivey
    iamsaltlake
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    I can't remember why I started wearing underwear, probably just got tired of knocking things over with my boner.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    JesTurtle________carmindysYourEvilTwin______StephenBCramerocourtneynoStonerKittehllvvzzzStr8GuyGayQuote
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    StonerKittehManJuggs79protonsSaraESpiveyT_RAV_4real
    peeeetierexx______
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    If I'm already this burnt out, what the fuck is the rest of my life going to look like?

    • 60
    • FAVS
    NotJPoCheeseboy22ShaetanDarkoJesTurtle________megglecat________Aspersioncastdietredbullstankloaf
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    JesTurtle________r10pez10Favstar_NSFWslyoung5ltaconashellyspiveyhidingfrommeBashfullsmile
    hidingfromme
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Judging by the size of their spaceships, aliens probably don't have big dicks.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    GrahamBShaw__llvvzzzvonngilmoreCroweJamTat6277__________TheTennisPhenomLawbsterSaidKevinDeanGander
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    killerkyle417JessterPrynnevtiredgrl
    JessterPrynne
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    My interest rate is generally how fast you can remove your clothing.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    BeenToHellPalEric_Bader________VonBrutal________NeonWhiskymonstabrat________porkrimsen________SgettyOJulieWahoo
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    BashfullsmileJesTurtle________Peckerwoodcock_LUMPgunshot1HappyHourBenNoloPhiriBlaqJew
    BashfullsmileJasmineIsSilly
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    If money can't buy you happiness, that's your problem.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    saraburzyJesTurtle________daisywaitsrideDctorFunendlessbabeSeeEllVeeMikeSchismJennavaline______
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    JesTurtle________Jennavaline______ladysysyFavstar500FavsandYIdaxKruz216starterchick28TolulopeAmos_
    CARBAJALme
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Just got outnumbered 3 to 1 or foursomed.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    DctorFunlinajk____________llvvzzzDrinkingatWorkTinkerbell_MistookMistakemartini2go______H0TMessBarbie
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    SaraESpivey
    DrinkingatWork
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Love is an STD right? And condoms prevent it?

    • 71
    • FAVS
    FunnyNotFoundatSamanthapatrishhhhalauriecoronaJesTurtle________SCbchbumElifcellodietredbull
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    lauriecoronaTr3yMoaxonrgFavstar500Favs_LUMPCabaRayGreenJermzzombie_xxx
    23_Lies
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    I've made some mistakes, but as soon as 2012 hits, I'm blaming everything on the Mayans.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    shanethevein_neeso____________spartikizzyElifcelloLipglosslesboJohnsbkAgain______Hormonellaffolder
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    DivaBleuFavstar500FavsTheRealCAnTASGHutchTristramPerryBigBang6000susannahparkerOriginalNixster
    ElifcelloOriginalNixster
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    If I found $10,000 I would return the money, after I got back from Vegas.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    JesTurtle________StPaulReveredietredbullziuqrdRHicksjr777snickuousIamEnidColeslawstankloaf
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    tyrantasorus
    MarcusTheToken
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    All this talk about oral contraception, I thought oral was contraception.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    sweetsaramCheshireClownGinlicker________Cpez38hoopahoepIGotsSmartsnPhelendriqalKevinDeanGander
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    KevinDeanGanderMRI3tredpawn3soonercloneFavstar500FavsTrashScrag______brihannajoiGeezealouisea
    redpawn3
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    I have a really hard job, it’s called tolerating other humans.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    k_beeckamiekaymee__GraceOrGorgon____JesTurtle________sweetsmacker______dishinyourbellyCuntemplateCarmstastic
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    Moyo_THeJoyGinlicker________AmandaYazaimeeedanielleJeej_ing__VixSunnyVAmosStruckAgainmilo_screams
    AndrewR31
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Life gave me shit, don't even complain about your fucking lemons.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    Eric_Bader________VonBrutal________NeonWhiskymonstabrat________SissiSaySgettyObellicosejasonradzycle
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    TamzillatheHunAlyyAmerYMsaid____________Tat6277__________marcelamells______technicallytonydabimarcamanustorms
    Ginlicker________IRONNUMA
  • thisjason
      J_S_N @thisjason

    Condoms are just what you wear when you're just not sure yet if you really like the person.

    • 77
    • FAVS
    JesTurtle________HerdescentGinlicker________SamuraileyIamEnidColeslawdietredbullmattbobdotstankloaf
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    HerdescentKENTCROSSEmattbobdotmayo_33boogeydakidPirate_TwinkieFavstar500FavsMarkmss6
    bjaynash
@thisjason

@thisjason

Green and leafy like as·par·a·gus. Comedian. Writer. Into sex talk more than Sigmund Freud.

Tweets from @thisjason most recently awarded Tweet of the Day by Pro Members.