Afraid that if I start a new hobby, it'll confuse my dick.

I know it's a little disturbing, but if you learn to like Mondays, you get to enjoy everyone around you suffering.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

cops ask stupid questions like "do you know how fast you were going" as if I care. Unless I broke the land speed record shut the fuck up.

Wouldn't it be cool if gay men could absorb unwanted pregnancies into their assholes?

My parents never bought me a bong:(

I can't remember why I started wearing underwear, probably just got tired of knocking things over with my boner.

If I'm already this burnt out, what the fuck is the rest of my life going to look like?

Judging by the size of their spaceships, aliens probably don't have big dicks.

My interest rate is generally how fast you can remove your clothing.

If money can't buy you happiness, that's your problem.

Just got outnumbered 3 to 1 or foursomed.

Love is an STD right? And condoms prevent it?

I've made some mistakes, but as soon as 2012 hits, I'm blaming everything on the Mayans.

If I found $10,000 I would return the money, after I got back from Vegas.

All this talk about oral contraception, I thought oral was contraception.

I have a really hard job, it’s called tolerating other humans.

Life gave me shit, don't even complain about your fucking lemons.

Condoms are just what you wear when you're just not sure yet if you really like the person.