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  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    My 9 year old just asked me what the disease was called where you're dead inside but alive outside. Took all my strength not to say marriage

    • 257
    • FAVS
    timeblimpLifestyleBitchCastrofridaHoosierStormCathisnaughtybabyKalaeb_STangledKittenmastersbabysub
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    benittto6Favstar250mastersbabysubBlackieLemonUnderchildebrownpoopypantsjumpdashark71Chevellelover
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Does it make anybody else nervous when somebody says the secret ingredient in their food is "love"?

    • 246
    • FAVS
    UnderchildeDanKCharnleyecinedktoab____________KarenLyneButlerHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSCopulaterman
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharkdanielocnnrscrirc____________SimplyRoguey______KaysNHTarikaReddyNinjaaSquirellJuan_Incognito
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I saw on Facebook that my old geometry teacher died. I posted 'he is with the angles now'.

    • 190
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerDanKCharnleymissingblakesecinedlarrylawrence64ktoab____________HeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMS
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    ktoab____________DGonzelezSirMajalorswingcrusaderRabidElvis________brownpoopypantsMaryRotermund__EnricoCannas
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Now that I have 63 followers I would like to talk to you all about the lord.

    • 218
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleysnakep1sspeterjames48ktoab____________HeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSCopulatermanArroia
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    ktoab____________CandiZNLoveThoseValiumStephStartsOverjumpdasharkPoliticallyILL1JessicaKestler____MiloKilledPunk
    fromCarter________
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Accidentally brushed with bubble gum toothpaste. This must be what it feels like to blow a unicorn.

    • 145
    • FAVS
    UnderchildeDanKCharnleyecinedktoab____________HeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSCopulatermanArroia
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    Underchildephil_urkrakenPesoPiddyscrirc____________ispypandacabinmama88bouncerface______p1nsch3r__________
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I have a friend who is so annoyingly paranoid about something bad happening.Had to push her down the fucking stairs to get her to shut up.

    • 137
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleymissingblakesecinedktoab____________HeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSCopulatermanArroia
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsMissItAintMe______theraltweetyousaidiheardTrueTorontoGirlUNCLEMIKETWEETSLolaAdebisi_notfaizzy
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I want to learn how to tap dance better so when I'm in awkward situations and back out of the room I dont look like such an idiot.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleymissingblakesecinedHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunny
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    CarissaDeAnn______Juan_Incognitofavstar1000favsCoreyTamaskatanaman68Favstar500FavsTrinaWitchFSUSteve
    Redicupidity
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I'm watching scooby doo with my kids. I think this is the one where it's just some guy in a costume.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSArroiaRabidElvis________Ch3rryadeweekend_warsHorsecoqisfunny
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsDefrostDisneygigglegirlnoeljendaswimskaylaRMDurbanprojectzFavstar500Favsmarimaricomcast
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Payday! Also known as the day coffee filters can go back to being coffee filters rather than toilet tissue, paper towels and taco shells

    • 94
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleydonniecinedHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSstankloafArroiaRabidElvis________
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    sskilton__REstrada1MommyNeedsANapMissItAintMe______Elfonzo_RhodesFavstar500Favsfavstar_popmarimaricomcast
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I use cinnamon buns scented body wash and man it works. I've been getting glazed pretty regularly.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleymissingblakesHeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________jumpdasharkSacamanoBnayele18__________
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsPowerpuss_________trialfemmerzbahfavstar_popfunsizdprincessHiHighHigherwhitnefarious
    funsizdprincess
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    If somebody asks me if I can fit them into my schedule I replace the word schedule with vagina. This is an inner voice thing. Apparently.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    UnderchildeDanKCharnleyecinedHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunny
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Underchildealive_and_dyingFavstar500Favswheatnikmichaelphelpsnytrialfemmeangiehateslife____
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I've got a SWEET muffin top with cinnamon swirls! Unrelated, my fat hangs over my pants.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyecinedHeMightBeJasonSCOOPISMSArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunnyjumpdashark
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsMissItAintMe______favstar_popCoy0teUgly________WhoCuppedMyCake__marimaricomcast
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Not to brag but I'm pretty much the same size now as I was before having my two kids. That's probably the best thing about always being fat.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleymissingblakesHeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunnyshellshoktjumpdashark
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    anonemanonkickstartmeupFavstar500Favsyzupp_Bacon_Tits_indieRT______________favstar_popsdelity
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I just met a woman with kids named LaDarrion and LaDaniel. I wanted to tell her she was a LaDumbass.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyecinedHeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________brownpoopypantsshellshoktjumpdashark
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantsFavstar500FavsMissItAintMe______SPNNlogictrialfemmeYearOfRatCoy0teUgly________
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I never thought of myself as an overtly positive person before Twitter. I am Maryfuckingsunshine compared to some of you people.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    ecinedHeMightBeJasonArroiaHorsecoqisfunnyjumpdasharknayele18__________roadkill3xManginaMcCool
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfartlambrusco____NancyMAlexandersouradeepchatt_____Bacon_Tits_MKROOFIEthe_moonfaceJerseyShell1
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said 'BE AMERICAN' so I bombed it. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!

    • 65
    • FAVS
    missingblakesHeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________HorsecoqisfunnyjumpdasharkManginaMcCoolKaysNH
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favssonajainfavstar_popKittyLashblast____schuzamsnarkanoidtrialfemme
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    co-worker 'accidentally' referred to her husband as hiney rather than honey. I've met him. She was right the first time.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    HeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunnyshellshoktjumpdasharkroadkill3xKaysNH
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsCheesyyeastyMsKittyKatBlkbad_xampletrialfemmeHormonellamarimaricomcast
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    My cat scratching in his litter box is like a dinner bell for my dog.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    HeMightBeJasonArroiabrownpoopypantsHorsecoqisfunnyjumpdasharkroadkill3xManginaMcCoolKaysNH
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantstrialfemmetweetdano________whitnefariousFilthyRichmond
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    Just got a message from a 'click here if you're single' bot. Right after my understanding Star Wars tweet. Well played bot. Well played.

    • 62
    • FAVS
    HeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________Horsecoqisfunnyjumpdasharkroadkill3xKaysNHObscuraMentis
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsslyoung5thatalexyardemsloulou
  • ticking_tocking
      Amy @ticking_tocking

    I'm a sucker for a man holding a baby! But next time he's going to have to put the baby down. That just felt wrong.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerHeMightBeJasonArroiaRabidElvis________jumpdasharkroadkill3xManginaMcCoolKaysNH
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsElfonzo_RhodesSon1aO______________
@ticking_tocking

@ticking_tocking

Mom/writer/comedian. Better at some of those things than others.