My 9 year old just asked me what the disease was called where you're dead inside but alive outside. Took all my strength not to say marriage

Does it make anybody else nervous when somebody says the secret ingredient in their food is "love"?

Now that I have 63 followers I would like to talk to you all about the lord.

I saw on Facebook that my old geometry teacher died. I posted 'he is with the angles now'.

Accidentally brushed with bubble gum toothpaste. This must be what it feels like to blow a unicorn.

I have a friend who is so annoyingly paranoid about something bad happening.Had to push her down the fucking stairs to get her to shut up.

I want to learn how to tap dance better so when I'm in awkward situations and back out of the room I dont look like such an idiot.

I'm watching scooby doo with my kids. I think this is the one where it's just some guy in a costume.

Payday! Also known as the day coffee filters can go back to being coffee filters rather than toilet tissue, paper towels and taco shells

I use cinnamon buns scented body wash and man it works. I've been getting glazed pretty regularly.

If somebody asks me if I can fit them into my schedule I replace the word schedule with vagina. This is an inner voice thing. Apparently.

I've got a SWEET muffin top with cinnamon swirls! Unrelated, my fat hangs over my pants.

Not to brag but I'm pretty much the same size now as I was before having my two kids. That's probably the best thing about always being fat.

I just met a woman with kids named LaDarrion and LaDaniel. I wanted to tell her she was a LaDumbass.

I never thought of myself as an overtly positive person before Twitter. I am Maryfuckingsunshine compared to some of you people.

co-worker 'accidentally' referred to her husband as hiney rather than honey. I've met him. She was right the first time.

I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said 'BE AMERICAN' so I bombed it. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!

My cat scratching in his litter box is like a dinner bell for my dog.

Just got a message from a 'click here if you're single' bot. Right after my understanding Star Wars tweet. Well played bot. Well played.

I'm a sucker for a man holding a baby! But next time he's going to have to put the baby down. That just felt wrong.