I have refreshed Twitter more times than I have blinked. Ever.

Haters gonna hate, potaters gonna potate.

Not sure which is funnier... An ugly, messy girl wearing a t-shirt with "sexy" on it, or a really fat man wearing one that says "I ♥ PIES".

My mum brought a stepladder home yesterday, but it's just not the same as my REAL ladder.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Yesterday I swallowed a whole bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

As a social experiment, I have named a cat Curiosity. Now we wait.

What do you mean people still wear pants in a country called the Netherlands? I've never heard anything so disappointing in my life.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Developped a new super power: elbowing other people's annoying bratty kids in the head in public and making it look like an accident.

"Just rub this toothpaste where you feel sensitivity..." Well, OK Mr Colgate, but I don't see how that's going to help my teeth...

Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Whoever wrote that quote about all of us lying in the gutter but some of us looking at the stars was clearly referring to Twitter.

"Smoking is addictive, don't start." You're right government, thanks. I just bought this pack on a whim but now I'm gonna throw it out.

If there's one thing that alcohol has taught me, it's this: less is not more. Less is less. Fill my glass, bitch.

I can confirm that gravity is definitely still working, and that I probably need an ambulance.

Do you think if a woman's pregnant and she gets really cold, her breast milk turns to ice-cream?

So, I can remember competition phone numbers from kids' TV from my childhood, but I can't remember where I put my keys 5 minutes ago. Good.

Dear Camel, You know the image on your cigarette packs looks like a camel has just taken a pyramid-shaped shit, right? Love, Loyal Consumer.

Allegedly over 90% of banknotes are covered in cocaine residue. Well, I started licking money an hour ago and so far, nothing. Unimpressed.