Serious Tweet: Just saw a little girl w/ Downs wearing a shirt that said "Am I rocking this extra chromosome or what?" She was beautiful!

I'm starting to think I don't masturbate enough to be on Twitter.

Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don't get the thank you wave.

Did Carrie Fisher just say she lost 30lbs by eating Jenny?Thought so. Alrighty, going lesbo until I lose 10lbs.Never knew it was so simple.

Just for shits and giggles, my husband and I took laxatives together this morning. We aren't giggling any more. We need hobbies.

I know the difference between their/there/they're,too/to,your/you're,then/than,no/know,etc.,but I still have trouble with right and left.

My phone just auto corrected 'finding' to 'fucking' in a text. Finally, someone that really gets me and it's my finding phone!

What I meant to say was, now that I've lost my ass virginity, I finally feel like I belong on Twitter.

Time to switch sides of the couch. Lying on one side too long can lead to bed sores. I'm all about health, people.

I've starfucked so many of you today that I don't even feel the need to masturbate tonight.

Twitter is a magical wonderland where you never have to wake up and feel any shame when you see your drunken tweets from the night before.

Friends don't let friends mix lots of alcohol w/ lots of Skittles unless said friends are willing 2help you clean the rainbow off the carpet

Only 77 followers away from getting 2see my husband answer the door 4the pizza guy in a thong while adjusting his junk!Dreams can come true!

Reached a whole new level of laziness.Heard what I thought was someone breaking in this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep

I can't wait to become a congress woman and post pictures of my snatch on here only to say my account was hacked.

Who cuts their toe nails in the work bathroom?! What's WRONG with people? It was me, but seriously, WTF?!?!

Which one of you sick mother fuckers made it necessary for there to be a "for external use only" label on my flat iron?

When I'm about to snap,I bet the final straw will be finding a fucking Capri Sun straw wrapper on the floor.And I want that on my tombstone.

I don't call not cleaning, doing laundry or showering lazy. I call it being green. Unless it's someone else. Then you're just fucking nasty.

Why can't they just fix the mirror so that objects in mirror are just as they fucking appear?