My Top 3 #lastfm Artists: Shitty Overrated Band (47), Awful Singer (42) & Are You Fucking Kidding Me (41)

Just tried to ask my friend if she 'boned' her boyfriend but I accidentally typed 'noned' so those words are officially opposites now.

Knock knock jokes are funny because back in the olden days people said "who's there?" when someone knocked on their door. Now we just hide.

Is there a sex position called 'eating cookies' where you kinda have some sex but mostly you just eat cookies?

Oh hey mom what's up I definitely hadn't just clicked the "anal" category on YouPorn right before you called that's for sure!

I never don't have to pee.

It cracks me up when someone RT’s one of my tweets without starring it. Like, “I didn’t like this tweet but maybe you idiots will.”

hey look at me nonchalantly tweeting in lowercase am i cool now guys please know that it took me 13 tries to get that lowercase "i" to stick

I would literally die if someone came in my room right now and stabbed me to death.

My résumé just says "Post-Layne Alice in Chains can lick my balls!" and has a picture I drew of a horse eating a carrot.

I'd watch a horror movie about a lady who is so mad about being cold all the time that she goes around killing people with her hard nipples.

I was gonna start a diet today but my legs hurt a little. I need to feed my legs. Maybe tomorrow.

Call me old fashioned but I like when guys open doors for me and at least dip their finger in vag sauce before cramming it up my butthole.

They say it takes a few seconds to actually die after your heart stops beating which is just enough time to lock your phone.

Who cares that you lift, bro, what's the dick situation.

Which one of you pussy ass bitches is throwing off the curve and making Domino's think a medium thin crust could actually feed 2-4 people?

It’s not illegal to teach a cuss word to an unattended kid at Target and then just casually walk away.

I burned my hand earlier and now my kid thinks an oven is called a motherfucker.

I bet a murder spree tastes even worse than a yellow one.

You are goddamn right I wanna come over and see those beautiful ass azaleas, 75 year old neighbor.