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Picking up bitches at the Coinstar machine.
Man, chiropractors sure get pissy when you use air quotes while calling them "doctor."
A toddler holding your phone over a hard floor is a very powerful negotiator.
One question for people with more than two kids: How do you afford all that liquor?
The best part about being a married guy on twitter is you only get to flirt with the dudes. Score!
What's it like being me? Imagine you're the next guy in line at a gangbang porn shoot. Forever.
I'll ne damned if I'm gonna be the only one with the DuckTales theme in my head all night. DUCKTALES, A WOO-OO. You're welcome.
For being all in my head, my sex life is AMAZING.
If every passenger in the car has to assist you with a lane change, maybe try the bus.
I may come across as kind of an idiot sometimes. But that is only because you are very intuitive.
An Asian girl with ass is my unicorn.
Do you mind if we just mutually masturbate each other's egos? I'm tired.
I'd pay $130 to sniff your butt crack.
Say what you want about "awesome", but it's the one thing whites didn't appropriate from black culture. I'm clinging to it till I die!
The only difference between rednecks and gangsters is fashion sense.
Asked a black guy how to get to the ocean, but his directions weren't very pacific.
If you are a licensed driver in washington state, there is a 47% chance that my wife has put a curse on you.
I'm not stupid. I'm too trusting. So, stupid, I guess
The only voicemails I listen to more than halfway through are from my 5 year old, even though I never know what the fuck he's talking about.
Sorry, I'd love to hang out, but I have 15 apps that need updating.