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To indicate a character shouting, type really hard. #BadWritingTips
I like my coffee how I like my matter -- dark, and 90% unaccounted for.
The hardest thing about dueling banjos is throwing a banjo ten paces.
How high up in Farmville levels do you have to get to become a freemason?
Eat Pray Put the Lotion in the Basket #muchDarkerMovie
Smash a recently-fed mosquito on page 89 of your novel. Make that your "thing". #BadWritingTips
I store my garbanzos in the gazebo, since the credenza's full.
Old forgotten fake sideburns are quite startling when you come across them around the house by accident
Every time I post a funny tweet, I smack this giant gong behind me for emphasis. Man it's a pain dragging it into the bathroom.
I LEFT MY PHONE AT WORK OH CRAP WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO TWEETING ON A COMPUTER LIKE A CAVEMAN
He surveyed the smoldering remains of the lab, aghast at his error. "Teaspoons, not tablespoons..." he whispered. #onetweetnovel
Second rule of nilla wafer club: eat a crapload of 'em too quickly, forgetting they turn to quik-crete in your mouth
2nd grade me: "so what am I gonna use cursive for?" Adult me: "writing big numbers out longhand on checks." 2nd grade me: "Fuck this!"
Early editions of Newton's 'Principia Mathematica' had the answers to all odd-numbered questions in the back. #HistoryFacts
A small monitor, showing video of you from an hour.earlier #DisturbingBurritoFillings
33% jokes about neutrinos, 33% hashtag nonsense, 33% actual interesting facts (Factwads), 1% the worlds most half-assed blog, http://timeblimp.com.