To indicate a character shouting, type really hard. #BadWritingTips

I like my coffee how I like my matter -- dark, and 90% unaccounted for.

The hardest thing about dueling banjos is throwing a banjo ten paces.

Bite into a peppermint patty while singing the state farm jingle, & you'll send your insurance agent to the top of a mountain. #science

How high up in Farmville levels do you have to get to become a freemason?

Eat Pray Put the Lotion in the Basket #muchDarkerMovie

Smash a recently-fed mosquito on page 89 of your novel. Make that your "thing". #BadWritingTips

I store my garbanzos in the gazebo, since the credenza's full.

Old forgotten fake sideburns are quite startling when you come across them around the house by accident

Every time I post a funny tweet, I smack this giant gong behind me for emphasis. Man it's a pain dragging it into the bathroom.

I LEFT MY PHONE AT WORK OH CRAP WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO TWEETING ON A COMPUTER LIKE A CAVEMAN

He surveyed the smoldering remains of the lab, aghast at his error. "Teaspoons, not tablespoons..." he whispered. #onetweetnovel

Second rule of nilla wafer club: eat a crapload of 'em too quickly, forgetting they turn to quik-crete in your mouth

My daughter is SO happy to see you all posting to her #BadLunchboxThemes. Not that I'm letting her read any of these, you sick sick people

#GreatWaysToEnterARoom Exhaling bees

2nd grade me: "so what am I gonna use cursive for?" Adult me: "writing big numbers out longhand on checks." 2nd grade me: "Fuck this!"

Early editions of Newton's 'Principia Mathematica' had the answers to all odd-numbered questions in the back. #HistoryFacts

Girl, are you messin up my hydrogen spectral lines? Cause dat structure constant is *FINE* #physicsPickUpLines

A small monitor, showing video of you from an hour.earlier #DisturbingBurritoFillings

"Exactly ten years from now, I will be in the sidecar of a motorbike speeding by. Pelt me in the face with a mocha"
#RidiculousCoffeeOrders