I wish I could get a medical alert bracelet that just reads "PLEASE delete browsing history!"

God grant me the Xanax® to accept the things I cannot change; Percocet® to change the things I can; and Vicodin® to know the difference.

"Have you seen my AMAZING asshole yet?" - every cat, ever

People assume I'm using alcohol as a crutch, but actually it's more of a wheelchair.

That awkward moment when the prostitute reminds me that I still have 57 minutes.

Whenever God closes a door, he usually pushes me out of
a window.

Sometimes sounding intelligent is as simple as shutting the fuck up.

No, really, can anybody here write prescriptions?

I wonder what this chloroform smells li

OMG, I just totally stepped on a crack and now my mother isn't answering her phone. What have I done?

Emotionally unavailable. Please leave a message.

Hey, people talking about me behind my back, you discussed me.

#LegalizeGayMarriage or I will marry your daughter.

"Super cauliflower lipstick fuckme halitosis" - Mary, poppin' pills

Every time this tweet gets starred, a Justin Bieber fan dies.

I've arranged it so that my tombstone will read "Please RT"

ASK ME ABOUT MY ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES

WTF Capri Sun? Your new "Colostomy" flavor is atrocious! Also, hard to get the straw in.

Fun Fact: Al Gore moonlights as a DJ named Algorithms.

Ok, so I can't drink and tweet and spell. Can we we just go for two out of three?