Today I picked the first vegetable from my garden. I named her Terri Schiavo. #TooSoon

High ABV brews make me feel like a lightweight. pic.twitter.com/oqj7n8wV04

The govt's new anti-smoking ads made me think. Does the woman w/ the stoma constantly have to tell her husband "No you can't fuck it!"?

@kcbeerminx You know it's love when you're willing to go downtown on a hooker.

@suicidebombs I think America gives the stupid too much voice. Elsewhere they're laughed at. Not here, that's "mean."

@mosespray That's terrifying to think about. Would she still have the 'stash?

Please for the love of Thor, say Binders of Teachers

@florvmagordon @mosespray maybe cuz you didn't spell "favorite" the correct American way. :-p

@florvmagordon @mosespray no worries. I explained it was for a documentary on women's health and they totally bought it.

@mosespray @florvmagordon the spy cam is for your own protection. #DontAskQuestions

@florvmagordon @mosespray They both deserve medals for going near Whoopee Goldberg's (what I can only assume is a) nightmare of a vag.

@mosespray The teenager text-speak at the end makes this awesome. "OMG, I like, ttly, luv Jesus! LOL!"

@florvmagordon @mosespray I think we've discovered how to make peace in the Middle East! #LesbiansForEveryone

@secularbloke @gammaatheist backs my hypothesis of a big overlap on atheists and craft beer fans.

Another winner. Getting #BostonDrunk — Drinking a Double Pale Ale by @beer_works —  http://untp.it/11Rjiqd 

@robdelaney I'm still impressed. Honestly expected a 21st century version of Roseanne's turn singing it.

Haven't said it in a while, but going to college was the worst financial decision I ever made. Wish I could return the fucking degrees.

@jeremykcmo Like black dong? Fine. Beat the puss? Hopefully cuz she wants it. Verifying fauna name? Fine w/ your career. Adams? No excuse.

@mcaparco I'm in the same situation except I bore my atheist followers with beer tweets.

@seanyeatts hahaha...holy fuck, that's really dark. But I'm laughing.