Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I stick this pregnancy test under my tongue, right?
Oops. Accidentally wrote "fuck you" under a picture of a girl's engagement ring on facebook.
It would be really cute if accident scars were called wreckles.
When someone disappears from Twitter, I assume they are temporarily happy with their marriage.
How do you know I'm doing a nice job, fitness DVD instructor? I'm sitting on my couch throwing cheetos at the TV.
That Sarah McLachlan song came on the radio and I thought I ran over a dog.
Stop showing me pictures of your babies eating spaghetti. They fucking suck at it.
I'm actually way more attractive than I look.
If someone stops tweeting, it probably means they're happy and you should unfollow them.
Isn't "Bullying is for losers" sort of contradictory?
Stop asking me to smile. You're a part of the problem.
If I know I've gained weight before a family event, I show cleavage & wear tons of make-up. Then everyone just talks about me being a whore.
Sometimes I just stand in my shower with a look of defeat on my face. Like someone's hosing me down.
If Katy Perry's boobs can't keep a marriage together I'm fucked.
Let's be real. None of us 'wait a moment' when twitter is over capacity. We click that home button so vigorously like we want it to cum.
How are you going to know what kind of asshole I am if I don't indicate my phone is an iPhone?
Good news: I'm not an alcoholic! Bad news: I haven't made it to step 1.
"meh, meh, meh" (doing my apathy warm-ups)
Sometimes I'm all "oh yeah, I'm bipolar" and sometimes I'm all "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"
"It's totally you, and not me at all." -a confident breaker-upper