If you put your tv dinner on a real plate you can barely taste the poverty.

I put on real pants and makeup today so don't ask me to do anything else, I'm not trying to break any records.

I had McDonald's and coffee because apparently waiting at the DMV isn't fun enough without the added joy of trying not to shit myself.

"$4.79 for gas, do they think I'm made of money?" is what I say to myself as I drink my $5 cup of coffee.

It's funny how often I watch Friends since I have none.

I just heard a baby and freaked out because I forgot babies exist outside of facebook pictures.

Just made eye contact peaking out of the stall with someone peaking into the stall if anyone's wondering how awkward today's been

I don't have any knives so I'm carrying a pizza cutter in my bag for protection. At the very least it should cause confusion.

I don't understand sleeping with other people. It's hot and you have to hold in your farts

Obviously your food will be cold if you take 12 pictures of it, make a collage, and put it on instagram before eating it you dumb bitch.

The people who add $1 to someone else's bid on the price is right are probably manual retweeters.

I go back and look for emotional tweets to figure out when my period should be coming.

If I went on family feud my answer for everything would be cheese.

Sometimes I'll unfollow Obama to make myself feel like a big deal.

Eating top ramen from the pot cause who am I trying to impress with a bowl.

Pretty sure this lady in Kohl's only farted so I would walk through it.

I could write passive aggressive facebook statuses too but I'm an adult so I'm subtweeting instead.

My mom just told my 22 year old brother good job for taking a shower so fuck my accomplishments.

Whenever my dog knocks my phone out of my hand I imagine she's challenging it to a fight to the death for the position of my best friend.

Who wants to pretend to be in a relationship so we can go on maury? "I see you RTing her, and what about those DMs?!" It'll be a good time.