Hey homophobic straight guys who are into lesbians, you know that lesbians are homosexual too right? You fucking retarded cunts.

If I immediately go to the bathroom to 'clean up' after we have sex, I'm actually going to finish what you couldn't.

My potatoes bring all the Irish to my yard, and they're like "that famine was hard".

I think we should masturbate to other avis. ~ Twitter crush break up

It's like this asshole in front of me doesn't even care that I have three minutes to get to work.

Know what's rad about having a vagina? Besides putting all kinds of neat stuff in it? The ability to cry over dumb shit, or nothing at all.

'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. Don't waste my fucking time,

Yes, I come with 2 kids, BUT I had 2 kids and didn't get fat. And I like buttsex, so there's that.

The thing I hate most about working is that I have to shower more regularly now.

Just got an email from Cole's, and they recommended 'Lolita' to me. This book store fuckin gets me so well.

I look good topless. From the back. With my torso at a 48 degree angle. No, look from off centre to the right. There ya go, now close 1 eye.

My 3y/o just stuck a sock between his ass cheeks and told me to look at his tail. I can't believe there was a time I didn't want to be a mum

You think my tweets are bad now? You should see the shit I don't tweet.

Jesus Christ, it's only gay if you want a guy doing it. Now shut the fuck up and let me finger your ass.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

Sext: I'm drunk enough for buttsex.

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.

I'm never more surprised that I'm still alive than when a song ends and I realize I don't remember when I touched the steering wheel last.

Going back to work in the summer is the dumbest decision I've ever made, and I'm a single mom of 2 in my mid 20s, I know about dumb choices.

I bet you never have to tell Michael J Fox "faster" when he's fingering you.