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Nothing says 'I love you' quite like the ever romantic after-sex washcloth toss.
Don't ever walk up behind a guy that's peeing and tickle him.
Let's face it, a hand job is a complete waste of everyone's time.
At work, I only like to wear shirts that show the most cleavage. Just so I can act shocked and offended when I catch someone looking.
You had me at "vasectomy"
I ran out of fabric softener, now my clothes smell like poor people
When someone is honest enough to admit that they're an asshole then by all means believe them.
I'm so cold right now, if I had milk in my titties, it'd be more like ice cream.
I guess you're not supposed to refrigerate the cucumber first....
Once, I met a guy that liked mayonaisse on his hot dogs. I think we all know what that was about.
A guy just shook my hand and arm so vigorously, it made my boobs jiggle. Which one of you was it?
Someone just told me that I am the moodiest and grumpiest person that they know. Thanks and Fuck off.
I think I need to take a break. -me, as soon as I get to work.
I don't get it, do you want me to be obsessed with you or not?
Come here and lick my face, you weird motherfucker.
No, officer, I wasn't texting and driving. I was only reading and starring a couple of tweets.
We all have that asshole friend that calls everytime you're eating and everytime you're fucking.
Saw a girl driving a Segway, then she crashed into a light pole. I laughed so hard I almost pee'd. Ok, I did pee a little.
"Shut up and drink your beer"
Passed by a house that got tp'd. Don't those kids know there are people with no toilet paper? I wiped with a Taco Bell napkin this morning.