Nothing says 'I love you' quite like the ever romantic after-sex washcloth toss.

Don't ever walk up behind a guy that's peeing and tickle him.

Let's face it, a hand job is a complete waste of everyone's time.

At work, I only like to wear shirts that show the most cleavage. Just so I can act shocked and offended when I catch someone looking.

You had me at "vasectomy"

I ran out of fabric softener, now my clothes smell like poor people

I'm so cold right now, if I had milk in my titties, it'd be more like ice cream.

I guess you're not supposed to refrigerate the cucumber first....

When someone is honest enough to admit that they're an asshole then by all means believe them.

A guy just shook my hand and arm so vigorously, it made my boobs jiggle. Which one of you was it?

Once, I met a guy that liked mayonaisse on his hot dogs. I think we all know what that was about.

Someone just told me that I am the moodiest and grumpiest person that they know. Thanks and Fuck off.

I think I need to take a break. -me, as soon as I get to work.

We all have that asshole friend that calls everytime you're eating and everytime you're fucking.

No, officer, I wasn't texting and driving. I was only reading and starring a couple of tweets.

Come here and lick my face, you weird motherfucker.

I don't get it, do you want me to be obsessed with you or not?

Passed by a house that got tp'd. Don't those kids know there are people with no toilet paper? I wiped with a Taco Bell napkin this morning.

"Shut up and drink your beer"
-My Dad

Saw a girl driving a Segway, then she crashed into a light pole. I laughed so hard I almost pee'd. Ok, I did pee a little.