Whores of facebook, stop the bare skin pregnancy pics... I don't need morning sickness too.

My facebook is flooded with marriages and babies, I'll give it 5 years before it is flooded with divorces and juvenile delinquents.

Twitter is just like 5th grade all over... everyone tells penis jokes, we all want our gold stars, and slutty girls are the most popular!

Don't laugh at me for asking for a fork sushi waitress, I have no desire to learn your ancient shit when I know you have a fork

Packing a bowl while following a drivers ed car is extremely irritating, fuckers lay on the brakes every 30 feet

This is bullshit, I planted a whole bag of bird seed months ago and have yet to see one bird hatch.

Just saw a lady pushing her dog in a stroller... Goo America! Even our pets have to be fat!

Overheard at the grocery: "I look so fat in this dress" Guess what bitch, the Kiebler elf sure as hell didn't put those cookies in your cart

Sometimes a long walk with a solo cup full of whiskey is all I need to relax and not end up on the evening news with manslaughter charges.

NYC, want to end occupy wall street? Show footage of other hipsters protesting around the world. #genius #nyc

Mom, here is your proof I'm not an alcoholic... I can't stop fucking puking because I got too fucked up last night and I'm hungover as fuck.

Nothing is worse than waking up at some skanks apartment and it has the typical... Live, love, laugh horse shit all over the walls.

This weekend is a lot like being a meth cook, has the ingredients to be great but if I don't cook It right, its going to blow up in my face

Condoms? No thanks, hot sauce kills the soldiers just as well, not to mention how priceless the girls face is when she grabs her crotch

I'm going to be so good at being retired. I can dick around and waste a whole day better than the kardashians #worthless

Anyone selling a volcano or know some one who is or the best site to order one from, dm me #volcano

Its weird when you eat lunch somewhere that you're normally blackout piss drunk at. New perspectives aren't fun. #fuckchange

Sporting venues that dont serve beer shouldnt make me piss in a bath tub with 10 creepy old man sanduskys, atleast when Im drunk I dont care

This whole blacking out and not realizing I blacked out until a few days later really needs to stop. Unrelated: I have a stomach ulcer

Butler cheerleaders definitely have their JV team in tonight.