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@tj's (Ticklish Junk) most faved Tweets...
tj
The Boy came into my room with tears welling in his eyes, to ask if I had sold his pajamas. Which just goes to show: kids are fucking weird.
@tj
tj
The Boy asked me to explain Daylight Saving Time.

Pretty sure he's more convinced than ever
that grown-ups are completely full of shit.
@tj
tj
Ask your doctor if Shut The Fuck Up is right for you.
@tj
tj
I guess my waitress' name is Virginity because apparently you only get her once.
@tj
tj
I really need some kind of chart to remind me which of you are in different time zones and which of you are just unemployed alcoholics.
@tj
tj
I can tell when she's expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser. As if we're French royalty.
@tj
tj
Her: "The lightbulbs are over the dryer"

Me: "The rooster flies east at dawn"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Oh, I thought we were talking like spies"
@tj
tj
The ease with which The Wife feigns interest in whatever The Boy is prattling on about suggests she has years of practice pretending to—HEY!
@tj
tj
It's not the Christ.
It's the Christians.
@tj
tj
Sir: are you, right now, in possession of nuclear launch codes?

No?

Take out your fucking Bluetooth headset & enjoy your son's graduation.
@tj
tj
It's amazing how many women on network television prefer to keep their bra on while having sex.
@tj
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tj
The Wife has been gone for so long, I just got a little excited opening a pita.
@tj
106
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tj
It puts the lotion on its skin or else the seasonal dryness makes it peel again.
@tj
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tj
Just once I want to see a Law & Order where an old happily married couple die peacefully in their sleep & all the detectives go out for pie.
@tj
104
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tj
Dear Plumbers
Who Were Supposed To Be Here This Morning
But Are Not Here Yet:

She will kill you, you understand?
She will fucking kill you.
@tj
100
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tj
Yes! LinkedIn and Twitter collaboration! Now I can finally link my career and my vast collection of inappropriate humor!
@tj
tj
I'm finally caught up on Twitter, Tumblr, Google Reader, and email, but now my legs are asleep and someone keeps banging on the stall door.
@tj
tj
Obama's president 10 months & we have a day called "Black" Friday?

Next thing you know we'll have a whole MONTH celebrating Black history…
@tj
tj
If only there was some way to know how people on Twitter feel about the first day of the work week. Why will no one ever come out and say?
@tj
tj
Hot chick sitting next to me at bar. At what point do I tell her "Sorry, I'm married"? I don't want to interrupt her having no clue I'm here
@tj
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