@tj's (Ticklish Junk) recently faved Tweets...
I asked the librarian what Hitchcock movies they had.
She said "Vertigo" & "Psychic".
Not a typo.
Yes, the famous Hitchcock movie: "Psychic"
She said "Vertigo" & "Psychic".
Not a typo.
Yes, the famous Hitchcock movie: "Psychic"
10
If the preschool didn't want me to eat those Oreos they wouldn't have put them next to that easily broken window.
It's all fun & games until your shopping cart yells at you in your spouse's voice right before you click "Buy Now."
13
"We stop serving breakfast at 10:30 a.m." is bullshit and we all know it, so why aren't we doing something about it? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
@Aimee_B_Loved Is that your “Songs to Seduce Myself to” mix? Wow, that Benny Hill theme is pretty fast paced. Don't sprain your wrist…
4
Why couldn't we get an earthquake during George W. Bush's inauguration?
That would have inspired more belief in God than Billy Graham.
That would have inspired more belief in God than Billy Graham.
5
My recipe for a good night's sleep will be called "An Ambien & an Orgasm." Label will read "Works best when someone else gives them to you."
16
Happy birthday @darcikelley. Sorry it's too late to give you your wish for an older brother who isn't such a meanie.
3
I had to touch a pickle at lunch today and tonight I went on a man-date with my brother-in-law and — long story short — I'm a lesbian now.
NO, REALLY, LET YOUR KID SCREAM. WE DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO HEAR EACH OTHER AT THIS RESTAURANT ANYWAY.
SO, HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?
SO, HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?
"Did I brush my teeth?" seems like a question I should be able to answer without having to touch my toothbrush to see if it's wet. And yet…
See, whenever you said "Tegan & Sara" I thought you meant "hosts of the British version of What Not To Wear" so now you need to start over.
8
I just pulled a quarter out of the heating vent.
It now thinks I'm it's grandpa.
"Do it again!"
it seemed to say,
in its heating vent way.
It now thinks I'm it's grandpa.
"Do it again!"
it seemed to say,
in its heating vent way.
Some days I wish I had a place online where no one knows me so I could vent, and then I think "Do I still have that Plurk account?"
6
Be sure to ask @gorillasushi about the time I invited to our house and then had him help me reorganize my desk. Good times.
9
So @lindsaylooo just took the two boy puppies to their new home.
Related: Stupid puppies giving me stupid feelings are stupid.
Related: Stupid puppies giving me stupid feelings are stupid.
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