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I always wanted to turn around to the people I'm in an elevator with and say - "You're probably all wondering why I gathered you here today"
I'm not drinking, I'm disinfecting my soul wounds.
The speed of sound is a funny thing. Your parents tell you something when you're 20, and you only hear it when you're 40.
Politeness has become such a rarity nowadays that it's often mistaken for flirting.
One day you'll ask me what I love more you or sarcasm. And I'll say "You, of course", and you'll stay, because you don't understand sarcasm.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.
I wish my doorbell would make the sound of a reloading rifle.
I am sorry that I am talking when you are interrupting.
Girls with beautiful teeth find everything hilarious.
There are 4 phrases which allow you to interrupt a woman when she is talking: 'I'll buy it', 'I love you', 'Yes, I am an idiot' and 'Fire!'.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "bad hunter".
There is no "we" in chocolate.
Women don't forgive. They wait.
Every intelligent person understands that there's something wrong with them.
People were created to be loved, things were created to be used. The world is in chaos because it's the other way around.
Tweet as if 99% of your followers don't read your tweets, because it's true.
Today I burned 3500 calories, along with the pan I was cooking them in.
It happens sometimes, two people really love each other, but they can't be together, because one of them is an idiot.
If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they're now free.
My husband and I just love role-playing games. Our favourite one - I am a chef and he is a couch prisoner.
Grumpy Old Woman When I star a tweet,it doesn't always mean I think it's funny.It can also mean I hear you,I agree or even I am sorry to hear that