I always wanted to turn around to the people I'm in an elevator with and say - "You're probably all wondering why I gathered you here today"

I'm not drinking, I'm disinfecting my soul wounds.

Politeness has become such a rarity nowadays that it's often mistaken for flirting.

The speed of sound is a funny thing. Your parents tell you something when you're 20, and you only hear it when you're 40.

One day you'll ask me what I love more you or sarcasm. And I'll say "You, of course", and you'll stay, because you don't understand sarcasm.

Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

I am sorry that I am talking when you are interrupting.

There are 4 phrases which allow you to interrupt a woman when she is talking: 'I'll buy it', 'I love you', 'Yes, I am an idiot' and 'Fire!'.

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "bad hunter".

Girls with beautiful teeth find everything hilarious.

There is no "we" in chocolate.

I wish my doorbell would make the sound of a reloading rifle.

People were created to be loved, things were created to be used. The world is in chaos because it's the other way around.

Today I burned 3500 calories, along with the pan I was cooking them in.

If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they're now free.

My husband and I just love role-playing games. Our favourite one - I am a chef and he is a couch prisoner.

Tweet as if 99% of your followers don't read your tweets, because it's true.

It happens sometimes, two people really love each other, but they can't be together, because one of them is an idiot.

If you could kick the ass of the person who caused most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit for a week.

People who don't drink have no idea how their exes are doing.