#Rockets F Carlos Delfino is out for the playoffs with a fractured right foot. Add one more to the "he'll be back before Derrick Rose" list.

Just got to the Summit. You sure there's a Rockets game tonight? All I saw was some guy named Joe telling me to praise Jesus. Nice fella.

Leon Sandcastle was told he'd be drafted #1 overall, then went completely undrafted. And you thought Geno Smith had it rough.

RT @angryblacklady: ....aaaaand the boat on land in #Watertown is ON FIRE.

*logs off*

CNN just reported I can now gay marry my gun.

Congrats to fellow alum Britney Grinder for going #1 overall in the WNBA draft. That dude is going places. Great mustache I might add.

If you're in need of some comic relief after today, the #WNBADraft is live on TV right now.

Why is it that the people that "tell it like it is" are always the people you never want hear anything from?

Happy Easter folks! Not only is today Jesus' birthday but we also celebrate the creation of a giant Rabbit from Adam's rib.

Anyone who writes a Yelp review about a restaurant is someone I'd never ever spend any free time with and they're also stupid fuckbags.

I have a difficult time investing in Facebook, mainly because it's the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

It makes me sad to think about how many people's Saturdays are being ruined by a child's birthday party.

#Ravens coaches just asked Jacoby Jones on the sidelines what 2+2 was and he answered "Barack Obama." He's fine. #SuperBowl

Roger Goodell: "We want new approaches to player safety, so anyone that comes within 50 feet of Tom Brady will be shot. Must protect Brady."

Thanks to your help, we found 6-year-old Breanna and she said yes to being my pretend wife for the day... pic.twitter.com/gWql9JeN

Please don't waste your time telling me you're unfollowing me, trust me, I don't give a fuck.

"she got in the accident she was in a coma. We lost her, actually, twice. She flatlined twice." Lennay Kekua, unluckiest fake dead girl ever

These Te'o jokes are all very funny but let's all try and remember that a person who never existed is dead.

Manti Te'o wasn't missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

Dark chocolate is for people that like chocolate but like to be disappointed. #TeamMilkChocolate