Heavy breathing is far more entertaining on an international conference call.

Oh winter white can of coke how you almost caused someone's death at my hands thinking the vending machine was giving me diet death.

TRY NOT TO GIGGLE & MIST. Gay dads react to news that they'll be granddads. thanks @kellyoxford http://t.co/fIGlWKWi

@margotinsummer PS can you do something about this please? don't you live in the state that created him? http://t.co/Fv7Rlotf

My hair is just as excited that its friday as I am. #ilovefridays

Death can just go fuck itself this summer.

At home, I count to 3 while pulling toilet paper off the roll. In public restrooms, I count to 5. I like to stick it to the man.

@streetcrow your brothers in Virginia have charming accents: cawww head dip cawww

I know you have it rough Monday, but seriously, you don't need to distinguish yourself with nothing but bad news. #mercy #icryuncle

i am now a published illustrator http://t.co/nGtS4clW #drawadinosaurday

apparently my blog is a big hit with ukrainian porn lovers. #writingISsexy

Movie night, fire, s'mores with the girls #wishyouwerehere (@ MI6) http://t.co/NgeMcbzg

The state of the world. http://t.co/OFkXdvIY

hot off the press on will self run riot http://t.co/pMOCwE5o

I think I might be in an abusive relationship with habanero peppers. #hurtssogood #truelove #dontleaveme

When I pass by a pooping dog and make eye contact, I get embarrassed for them. #truestory

@margotinsummer :] http://t.co/3TmRkEJf

Try not to smile: http://t.co/DS7XVy1B

Old episodes of COPS - amazing small talk research.

Very strange dream last night about @plaincracker who was behaving not plain at all but rather quite Cracker-y.