“@nyc_blonde: Best friends are only good for cuddling and storing blackmail pictures of you on their phones.” @nolnuz

“@nachosarah: use birth control ladies because no child is worth not drinking for 9 months”

When the nail lady asks me if I'd consider marrying her son... #uhhh

Cannot help but stare at the lady with the quadruple Ds that's drinking straight tequila across from me at this wedding dinner. #share 😳

If you meet a california baseball team, the obvious solution is to get drunk with them http://t.co/p1dUETTW

"Every girl wants a bad guy that'll be good just for them and every guy want a good girl that'll be bad just for them"

"@antijokeapple: Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents." Lol

3rd time my moms made me go through the car wash... this week

@nmnuzum sup http://t.co/40heE6nF

@lindseyhilt @aprildahlstrom 3 words. GET IT IN! I mean keep it classy ;)

You'll see an effort when I become more than just a last resort.

@lindseyhilt that water bottle has saved our lives a countless number of times. #nevergivingitback

People who constantly tweet their emotions < #getadiary

What website did you get that off of?

I never use my turning signal. It's no ones fucking business where I'm going.

Don't cry because its over, smile because its all over her face

"Wow miss you've got a big pony tail. Would you rather buy this bible or me read the whole thing to you?" #priceless http://t.co/f2yUkHWe

@lindseyhilt "do you think you could use these pipes for crack?" #tobaccouseonly

@casebartholomew @k_ipock @lindseyhilt we'd be impressive sleuths...

@casebartholomew @lindseyhilt I don't know what you guys are doing here, but it makes me feel extremely vulnerable...