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“It’s almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
Depression is like wanting to go home but already being there.
If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal.
Get your mom what she really wants for Mother’s Day: your shit together.
When someone asks if you want to play a board game they're really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes.
*pushes all the buttons in the elevator*
So, tell me about yourself
Man, what a day. *unvelcros shoes*
There’s donuts in the break room if anyone's interested. There’s also a better life out there waiting for you if that’s what you’re into.
Shout out to Mario Lopez's hair for being wet his entire life.
Not sure about something? Flip a coin, because while it’s in the air, you'll realize that we’re all here by accident and money isn’t real
One man. One hockey mask. One pair of blue jeans. This summer Jason is putting the casual back in casualty: Casual Friday the 13th.
Damn girl are you a Nirvana album because...nevermind.
My dentist's dick is now the mayor of my shoulder on foursquare.
*slams McDonalds counter*
YOU HAVE ICE CREAM AND YOU HAVE ROOT BEER! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT?
"Ok, folks. How can we make kids eat cat food?"
"..Put marshmallows in it?"
- Initial Lucky Charms board meeting
Internet: Do you want to see celebrities without eyebrows?
Internet: Haha yeah we know. Nobody does. Anyway, here they are
Sorry I’m late, but in my defense I don’t really want to be here.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
As long as you say "think fast” you’re legally allowed to throw things at people.
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