Every once in a while I jerkoff in my bed and make a wet spot. I then lay in it to remind myself how much better things are being single.

Since hitting 40, my cool tattoo on my back now looks like a furry wookie dragon thingy...yah, so theres that.

The best thing about working at home?... I don't have to pause mid stroke when my boss calls.

Shit that happened to me this year... 1) divorce 2) bankruptcy 3) change of career 4) loss of my $ 400,000 home. 5) finally happy.

Just rubbed "one" out for the third time today... I love it when math gets hard... Yes, I named my penis "Math".

I like my coffee like I like my women, Cum guzzling Asian prostitutes with a penchant for anal... They never get it right a Starbucks.

If I was Emo. I would be better than all the other kids...I'm a cut above the rest.

I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

Some Sundays I like to contemplate the meaning of life and our place in the universe. This involves a fair amount of self touching.

Busy plotting the death of my room mate. I may follow through on this one.

Me: Hi what's your name? Her: Zoe. Me: Cool, I'm fucking my way through the alphabet and I really need a "Z".

lost 7 followers today!?! Rats from a sinking ship? Go little rodents go!!

Fat girls need loving too... Why the fuck do I have to do it!!??

Ladies, The word of the day is "PENIS". Now just sit back and relax...let that sink in a little...little more.

I just realized that I am a product of the 80s ... God am I fucked.

My computer beat me at chess, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was just thinking about all the stuff I want to do today... Checked my daily porn feed. Mission accomplished ;)

I love masterbating to Oprah... It gives me two reasons to cry.

So far today is phlemtastic.... I hate being sick. At least I can masturbate all day. I've already got the box of tissues right here.

I think that all online dating sites should force people to post photo's of their junk ... I'd pay for E harmony then.