You never truly understand how many addictions you have until you are broke.

The appeal for swallowing became greater with every child that I had.

My husband and I stay together for the kids cause neither of us wants them.

My husband calls me a whore, but the jokes on him because I didn't charge.

Talking to my husband tonight I realized I've fucked almost as many girls as he has.

I don't have to do the walk of shame, I just call my husband to pick me up.

My daughter loves school lunch. How shitty of a cook does that make me?

Every time I get a new fav, a little puddle forms in my panties.

Kittens are so cute and adorable, but unfortunately they turn into cats.

When you are dating a girl. Ask her if she's crazy. If she says no, run away. If she says yes than you know she's ok and an excellent fuck.

Restraint is Not starring your own tweet when it has 99 stars.

If I rarely star you, it's because I'm stalking you and don't want to make it so obvious or I just never see your tweets.

Husband bought me a shirt that reads "I put the Ho in Housewife". Aww he so gets me.

If you're perverted enough to fuck where I can see you then I'm perverted enough to watch.

The Texas Longhorns must really like women since they have the diagram of the female anatomy as their logo.

You just can't beat drunk sex, unless of course, it's drunk sex with a stranger.

I'd risk being stupid if someone could fuck me so hard, they literally fucked my brains out.

Whoever wrote that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" must have been married and had kids.

The only reason I take my kids camping is to show them that homeless can be fun so there is no reason they should live with me after 18.

I never win while sprinting with my husband on the Wii cause his nuts start slapping against his leg. It always makes me laugh.