"Don't worry about serving size. Kids understand how much gum they should chew at once." -- inventor of Big League Chew

"Ayn Rand is my inspiration." -- not one single generous, good-hearted person over the age of 19.

Sure, Guy Fieri is a human joke. But I'd rather spend an hour eating ribs with him than a minute with that NYT restaurant reviewer.

My dad treats life like a gift, by forcing a polite smile and pretending to like it.

I wish vegan restaurants weren't usually filled with people who look like resistance fighters in a sci-fi movie.

Every song written from 1943-1966, and from 2002-2011 is a euphemism for sexual intercourse. All other songs are about doing blow.

"Say, that one's pretty wild!" -- Romney and Ryan checking out each other's shoe horn collections

"Let me see your thong receipt." -- Costqo

I was very moved by the Diet Pepsi ad about a woman with a neurological disorder who can't differentiate between people and cans of soda.

Will someone please invent an app I can point at people to find out if I need to tip them?

Sad to think it's been three years since Notorious B.I.G. would have died of heart disease anyway.

Nothing is more impotent than that curt tone you adopt when a voice activation system asks you to repeat yourself.

Still waiting for someone to get back to me on whether that RT I gave helped to cure Leukemia.

Batman must have been so weird to talk to while you're both waiting for the cops to arrive.

Watched a doc about pimps. Despite popular wisdom, pimping looks pretty easy. The prostitutes seem to do most of the work.

I wonder what Jason Statham is doing right now. Probably quietly studying a dog-eared photo of his deceased wife.

Hey, Nutella -- quit putting in airs. Everyone knows you're just breakfast fudge.

"We love it -- but what if, instead of being a hideously deformed monster, he's just very handsome?" http://t.co/Lkfun6ai

My favorite thing about webcam rants is the part after the rant, when the person searches for the "stop recording" button.

Congratulations to "blood libel" for trending on twitter for the first time since 1945.