You can have a favorite book or a favorite Kardashian, but you can't have both.

I'm at that awkward stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

When I was your age, there was no Wikipedia. We had to rely on men with beards.

Letting a bunch of straight folks decide on same sex marriage is like letting a bunch of men decide on women's reproductive rights. Wait.

I AM NOT SHOUTING, THESE ARE ALL ACRONYMS.

"I like your pants and your shirt and your head." - 3-Year-Old Son

The stick figure decals on my car's rear window represent the people I've hit.

Before Facebook, how did women in their 30s share photos of themselves holding a glass of wine?

"Traditional values" is code for separate water fountains.

If I had known how much help they'd need with their electronics, I would've never had parents.

Balloons are proof that we love to enslave things, even air.

Gay people almost never use birth control or get abortions so that makes them the godliest.

Just passed by a mirror and realized I have a great personality.

Please send me your reasons for opposing same sex marriage, I'm making a scrapbook to embarrass your grandchildren.

Prehab would be a great name for a bar.

"In the beginning, there was Peter Gabriel. And God said, Let there be Phil Collins: and there was Phil Collins." - Genesis 1:2

Whenever I'm feeling down, I remind myself that my car doors are all the same color.

At 3PM, I will choose someone who retweets this and mail them this drawing. It will immediately quadruple in value: http://t.co/czWrzQH3

I'll be honest, I don't even know what puppies are playing today.

My heart goes out to all the people who aren't happy with Facebook's new changes. Be strong and know that I'm praying for you.