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If you think about it church is like a book club with one guy that takes it way too seriously.
I was the smartest kid in Sunday school. I graduated atheist.
Hey ladies, I was an altar boy once so I'm good at lighting candles and keeping secrets.
I'd get more stars if I had more followers, and I'd have more followers if I got more stars. it's a vicious cycle of me not having tits.
I'm so sexually frustrated my penis is looking at other hands.
Just answered the subway lady question about southwestern chipotle sauce with a 'fuck yeah'
Let's be honest, hand jobs prove that men and women are both lazy.
I accidentally left a door open last night and I'm not murdered. Is this what Canada feels like?
If you died and I was the coroner I'd look at your dick then rule the whole thing a suicide.
Hey California, where do I get a pair of those sunglasses that go on the back of my head? I can only find the ones that go on the normal way
It's amazing how life will break two people in such a way that they fit perfectly together.
My late night tv show will not have a band but, "The oops I forgot my panties dancers. "
You should really get to know a girl, especially what she tastes like.
Can we have an #unfollowfriday this week? Where we ask people to unfollow over-rated twitters? You know because I'm a hater.
When people ask me for work out music I always ask why don't they just stop listening to their eating music instead.
My new hobby is to cross follow people on twitter and tumblr, you know, find out more about their lives then watch them sleep at night.
"The bible answers questions Google can't!" — a sign in front of a church that never Googled, "Dinosaurs" or "How old is earth?"
"You're typing proper all of a sudden are you trying to seduce me with good grammar, sir?" — The made up girl in my head.
I've never done a, "Black people say ask like axe" joke because I'm not a racist and because black people have guns.
I'm just a guy with pens. Sometimes I write tweets, these are those tweets.