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I’ve never seen a wedding ring on anyone who posts pictures of their intricate nail art.
Breaking: Some old republican guy who doesn’t want to pay taxes said something racist.
It’s 2014 can we please figure out how to get more flavor dust to stick to chips?
Was just defeated by a French vending machine. I couldn’t figure it out.
I’d never tweet, “I’d kill for some potatoes.” Cause what if someone with potatoes gets killed and that tweet gets used against me in court?
Religious freedom should never trump actual freedom.
I asked my girlfriend to marry me last night. She said yes!
Please send gifts or money in lieu of congratulations.
"I don't like touching my butt directly when it itches." ― The inventor of pants
Wearing a robe is like wearing a hug no one will give you.
If Hemingway saw you use a Hemingwrite he'd tell you to get some damn discipline and pencils.
If I was a cop and there was a serial killer that left behind Cadbury Eggs, I wouldn’t try too hard to catch the guy.
“You’re making me look stupid.” ― Someone who is likely stupid
I'm just a guy that can't think of pop-culture references to write in websites' autobiography boxes.
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