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I’ve never seen a wedding ring on anyone who posts pictures of their intricate nail art.
Breaking: Some old republican guy who doesn’t want to pay taxes said something racist.
It’s 2014 can we please figure out how to get more flavor dust to stick to chips?
Was just defeated by a French vending machine. I couldn’t figure it out.
I’d never tweet, “I’d kill for some potatoes.” Cause what if someone with potatoes gets killed and that tweet gets used against me in court?
Darwin Valentine’s Day card idea: You were a natural selection.
Religious freedom should never trump actual freedom.
I asked my girlfriend to marry me last night. She said yes!
Please send gifts or money in lieu of congratulations.
"I don't like touching my butt directly when it itches." ― The inventor of pants
Wearing a robe is like wearing a hug no one will give you.
Sorry, I’m busy supporting the troops by putting a yellow magnet on my car and not by trying to get America to stop sending them to die.
If Hemingway saw you use a Hemingwrite he'd tell you to get some damn discipline and pencils.
If I was a cop and there was a serial killer that left behind Cadbury Eggs, I wouldn’t try too hard to catch the guy.
The lighter the cuff, the faster you move.
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