2 hrs ago at Applebee's. Wife: Do you think the apple pie is any good here? Me: Mmmm. Pie curious, eh? Wife: Sigh.

Twitter is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

“To retweet is to admire; to star is to love.” ~ Tolle Haus

Hey guys, my wife shaved her legs this morning. That can only mean one thing - an OB/GYN appt this afternoon. #marriedlife

Using the word 'awesome' in your Twitter Bio? I respectfully request that you change it to 'delusional' or 'narcissistic'...ok?

Helped my 6 yr old daughter carve a pumpkin. There was much whining & a tantrum or two. But, eventually I calmed down & finished the job :)

HIM: "You..,retweet me." HER: "Stop...you had me at fol-low...you had me at fol-low." (Cue romantic music)

Each Halloween I like to give the kids a scare. This yr I'll be discussing the national debt & the impact it will have on their generation.

"Twitter is the perfect fuel - for the furnace of procrastination." ~ Tolle Haus

Swine flu is weird. I now have strong cravings for truffles. Plus, I find my wife's recent weight gain quite arousing.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Wax on, wax off.

You said "Social Media Expert"...I heard "Block Me! Now! Yes, Now!" So, don't feel bad. It's not you, it's me : )

I had mime flu. I couldn't speak for 7 days. My wife loved it.

Car pooling. Yuk. Driving thru the Lincoln Tunnel wedged between my coworkers was not fun. Eventually, I developed Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome.

At the grocery store: A Barbie electric toothbrush? Hmm. I didn't know she had an oral fixation. Ken is one lucky man.

What parent *hasn’t* left their huge helium balloon tethered within reach of their young children? Let’s not get all judgy... #balloonboy

Fail Whale, this isn't easy for me to say...but, this just isn't working out. I think we should stop seeing each other.

I should go on a diet. But, my wife won't let me: "Honey, your Term Life policy won't pay out after age 60. So, eat up!"

My favorite super hero is 'The Clit Crusader'! (His sidekick 'The Cunning Linguist' is pretty cool too.)

My brother’s a botanist. Tedious work. But, he indulges his wild side on the weekends fronting a punk rock band - The Sex 'Pistils'