2 hrs ago at Applebee's. Wife: Do you think the apple pie is any good here? Me: Mmmm. Pie curious, eh? Wife: Sigh.

Twitter is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

“To retweet is to admire; to star is to love.” ~ Tolle Haus

Hey guys, my wife shaved her legs this morning. That can only mean one thing - an OB/GYN appt this afternoon. #marriedlife

Using the word 'awesome' in your Twitter Bio? I respectfully request that you change it to 'delusional' or 'narcissistic'...ok?

Helped my 6 yr old daughter carve a pumpkin. There was much whining & a tantrum or two. But, eventually I calmed down & finished the job :)

HIM: "You..,retweet me." HER: "Stop...you had me at fol-low...you had me at fol-low." (Cue romantic music)

Each Halloween I like to give the kids a scare. This yr I'll be discussing the national debt & the impact it will have on their generation.

"Twitter is the perfect fuel - for the furnace of procrastination." ~ Tolle Haus

Swine flu is weird. I now have strong cravings for truffles. Plus, I find my wife's recent weight gain quite arousing.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Wax on, wax off.

You said "Social Media Expert"...I heard "Block Me! Now! Yes, Now!" So, don't feel bad. It's not you, it's me : )

I had mime flu. I couldn't speak for 7 days. My wife loved it.

Car pooling. Yuk. Driving thru the Lincoln Tunnel wedged between my coworkers was not fun. Eventually, I developed Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome.

At the grocery store: A Barbie electric toothbrush? Hmm. I didn't know she had an oral fixation. Ken is one lucky man.

What parent *hasn’t* left their huge helium balloon tethered within reach of their young children? Let’s not get all judgy... #balloonboy

I should go on a diet. But, my wife won't let me: "Honey, your Term Life policy won't pay out after age 60. So, eat up!"

Fail Whale, this isn't easy for me to say...but, this just isn't working out. I think we should stop seeing each other.

My favorite super hero is 'The Clit Crusader'! (His sidekick 'The Cunning Linguist' is pretty cool too.)

My brother’s a botanist. Tedious work. But, he indulges his wild side on the weekends fronting a punk rock band - The Sex 'Pistils'