Romney (pulls off mask): I'm your Grandma, Barry! #debates over.

Gunfight At The I'm OK, You're OK Corral. #worstwesternsever

Finally, A Dessert That Finishes You. #BKBaconSundaeSlogans

@pattonoswalt Overthink Everything To Death By Chocolate #WTFIceCream

Only $1.99 + Tax & Dignity. #BKBaconSundaeSlogans

Because Your Pants Should Be As Tight As The Cage Of The Pig That's In Your Dessert. #BKBaconSundaeSlogans

u had dimples, hiccups & trenchcoat. I had shotgun & extra Kashi. 2nd date over coffee instead of my dad's corpse? #Dec22ndmissedconnections

@pattonoswalt I keep thinking Bath Salts is a nickname for the zombie disease like Capt. Trips was for the flu. "Bath Salts's gonna getcha!"

Whenever I lose a follower, I picture a sad, sad clown clicking 'unfollow' under great duress, on a rainy day right before his/her suicide.

We Just Won Two Different Races To The Bottom. #BKBaconSundaeSlogans

@pattonoswalt #olivegarden "when you're here, you're hamly."

Hey Twitter: I have a son! Neil David Hensley.

Why was I allowed to ask a question? #ToughQuestionsFromBarry

Yugo FuckURself #CarsForConservatives

Twitter is God's way of letting everyone here sample the joy of writer's block.

Because You Accidentally Watched A Right-Wing Documentary #InsultingNetflixCategories

If We Can't Repeal ObamaCare, By God, Let's Overwhelm It. #BKBaconSundaeSlogans

Obama's secret goal for the next #debate is to get Mittens to say "you people" #win

@rickygervais I laughed so hard at that my almost 3 yo daughter looked at my phone & pretended to get it so she could laugh like her daddy.

.@mmflint Good lesson, but that's not what happened. Real lesson: when all candidates are douchebags, the one with the biggest teeth wins.