I was studying particle physics when I suddenly got a Hadron. #whatup

wow @sampepper's new video is absolutely gorgeous, check it out seriously  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rNvDZBBFOw …

"Hey, I know, let's put some letters that you don't even say out loud to fuck around with people!" (person who invented French)

so @sampepper got some sweets today at the meetup...  http://instagr.am/p/TTzaYUJocJ/ 

If someone says "Not to brag but..." you know they're going to brag. I just punch them in the throat before they have time to continue.

Pizza for desert because #IOCOAY

Law of nature: Boobs and face will not look good in the same picture. Ever.

Every time I bend over, I get the feeling that someone is going to run up to me and stick their penis up my butthole.
Thanks, Twitter.

Broke the 100 followers today! Thanks guys, I wish I could have sex with you all, but my vagina only fits three people at a time.

Jabba looks like the scrotum of an old, fat man. I like it.

You can't spell diet without die.

I've been thinking about starring my own tweets. Like, why shouldn't I? The option is there for a reason - I'm fucking hilarious. And sexy.

Let's hang out some time(have violent sex on my kitchen table)!

If I ever get involved in some kind of weird, fecal matter fetish orgy, I will have to say "Are you fucking shitting me?".

If you've starred at least two of my Star Wars tweets, you're great and we should have sex. #serious

To anyone who's ever hated on my nose ring, can you do this? No? Exactly. Now sit the fuck down and shut your face. pic.twitter.com/HBdLs6hj

I don't believe in god, don't try to make me, you dick. If I respect your faith, you better fucking respect my lack of it.

I HATE it when my crush doesn't text me back but then I remember that I didn't dare to text him nor do I have his phone number or know him.

You've made it through another year. Yes, you've suffered, but you've made it. You're amazing. Don't you dare give up now. I'm proud of you.

Being mouthfucked by two men at once. Both Ben and Jerry like it when I swallow.