We really should stop saying "gay" and "retard" like they are insults. I suggest we say "Leno" and "Palin". Stop being so Leno, you Palin.

Need a boost? Let @neilhimself and a baker's dozen of similarly accomplished writers lend you a helping hand:  http://twentytwowords.com/2013/04/03/writing-advice-from-writers-handwritten-on-writers-hands-14-pictures/ …

5000 birds fall from sky in Arkansas, near massive construction project run by green pigs.

Guns? Gold? If you're concerned about societal collapse, you might want to hoard some friends instead.

Count Fistula #rejectedcereals

If you had pledged to support public television, they wouldn't have had to downsize the cast of Downton Abbey.

Putting "a bigger cock" on the grocery list is passive aggressive, ladies.

Publisher: "Sorry, we can't sell you that many books." bookseller: "But they're pre-orders." Publisher: "LA LA LA"  http://lawrenceblock.wordpress.com/2013/02/14/great-moments-in-contemporary-publishing/ …

I was a conservative until I realized it's a money play. Wall street wants your money, so they scare you by saying the poor want your money.

Everyone knows the dinosaurs didn't go extinct, they were recalled to heaven in the Velocirapture.

CBS shouting about 3rd explosion. Police announced it was a controlled detonation by the bomb squad. Do not spread panic. QED.

I respect your faith until you say a man in the sky changes tectonic plates and hurricane cycles because of where someone put their weewee.

You want to see a zombie apocalypse? Create a virus that destroys the world coffee bean crop.

I hope John Locke updates his "How I Sold a Million Ebooks" to include the section on buying hundreds of reviews. http://t.co/wp4n9SYL

It is No Name-Calling Week, to end bullying. Perhaps "Teach your kids not to treat other people like shit lifetime" would work better.

America is still #1 at laughing when people who aren't American die in large numbers.

The incidence of bowel cancer has risen 35% in 30 years. Perhaps something we're eating [REDACTED IN VIOLATION OF MONSANTO PROTECTION ACT]

Taco Bell 'beef' found to contain too much filler, and will now be renamed 'Soylent Verde'

Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one but some are clean and others have dingleberries.

For a VERY limited time LOST CHILDREN: A Charity Anthology to support @protect & @children1st is 99 cents on #Kindle: http://t.co/rBA8OxGk