Whenever ugly people are mean to me, I always smile politely because I know that they are probably going to die alone in a dirty apartment.

In a perfect world, that song from Rocky would play every time I pooped.

Its a shame more people don't know how funny I am.

Fun Fact Friday: Ladies, having a little meat on your bones makes it harder to pick you up and put you in a trunk.

Im gonna get a shirt that says "2011 Titty-Smack Champion" and then spend my day hangin out in Victorias Secret making girls uncomfortable.

You know when you see people that aren't funny but still have tons of followers and you don't and then you take pills and cry on the floor?

I love investing* in stocks**! and by *Investing, I mean crying. And by **Stocks, I mean eating bacon in my underwear on the kitchen floor.

No matter how old I live to be, I'm guessing that I'll never understand how guys with popped collars and spray tans get laid.

My soul is made up of glitter, the tears of small children, and swear words. In that order.

I'm gonna star my own tweets because you're probably all drunk and playing with yourselves.

I still always giggle at Subway when they ask if I want a 6 inch or footlong. *flutter lashes* "What do YOU think I want?"

No I'm not crying! My rage just comes out as clear eye-blood.

I'm a lot funnier naked.

Dear Michelle Duggar; it's a vagina. Not a clown car.

Well, I guess I don't understand what your saying because, luckily enough for me, I don't speak Fucktard.

I hope none of these tweets get used in court later.

Do I want a cookie??!?!! DO UNICORNS SHIT CUPCAKES AND RAINBOWS AND SPARKLES?!?!! YES I WANT A FUCKING COOKIE!!!!

If I could shoot laserbeams from my fingertips, A L0T of my enemies would be missing eyebrows.

Do you remember the Good ol' days, when Donkey Kong on super NES was awesome and noone knew who Kim Kardashian was? Yah. Me too.

Sometimes, a fierce pistol whip is just plan neccesary.