You have so many guys in your vag, I'm going to start calling it a Man Cave.

In a perfect world, that song from Rocky would play every time I pooped.

My vagina has an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln's side profile.

It's just like my mom never used to say, "Good things happen to those that remember to push the smaller people out of the fucking way."

I still always giggle at Subway when they ask if I want a 6 inch or footlong. *flutter lashes* "What do YOU think I want?"

You know when you see people that aren't funny but still have tons of followers and you don't and then you take pills and cry on the floor?

Whenever ugly people are mean to me, I always smile politely because I know that they are probably going to die alone in a dirty apartment.

I named my uterus "illegal immigrant" because I don't think it works, but if it DOES, it'll probably be under the table.

If I was a life coach, I imagine the suicide and obesity rates would be a lot higher.

My farts are considered a gateway drug in Iran and Turkey.

I want everything about your face to shut up right now.

"Can I get a wee-tweet?" - A single bird looking for a smaller bird to date

Its a shame more people don't know how funny I am.

"Everybody just CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" - a nervous agoraphobic trying to walk into his apartment hallway to get the mail

Sometimes, little hearts can do big things.

Is it still Black History month, or did Whitney Houston ruin that too?

My soul is made up of glitter, the tears of small children, and swear words. In that order.

Im gonna get a shirt that says "2011 Titty-Smack Champion" and then spend my day hangin out in Victorias Secret making girls uncomfortable.