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"Is Fig Newton Juice Newton's brother or her husband?"- This joke would've made me laugh so hard in 1985.
I'm feeling a little crazy today. Not "crazy" crazy. More like, "breakfast for dinner" crazy.
It's about time for another movie about a normal American girl who starts dating the secret prince of some made up country.
Please just execute your turn before I accidentally make eye contact with that hitchhiker!
2nd most angst-ridden song ever: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money.
the sad thing is that Diarrhea would be a really pretty name for a girl
When are they releasing that Dunder Mifflin documentary? They have like 8 years of footage by now.
My twitter account has been a hack!
I don't think wanting to hide is the proper response to someone bringing their grandkid into the office, judging from all the cooing noises.
Now back to poop jokes!
I only get involved in politics when I personally feel threatened. Not sure if that's bad or how democracy is supposed to work.
Try to fuck with my birth control and you'll get a strongly worded email, motherfucker!
You know you finally look old when you buy wine & CASHIER HAS BYPASSED AGE VALIDATION is printed on your grocery receipt.
Dear Belvita, you sound exactly like Velveeta and will be hearing from their lawyers soon, probably.
Just walked passed a store where the sales clerk was actually telling a customer that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr. Pepper.
Related to my last tweet: I just learned what a subtweet is.
Putting a sweater on your cat is a great way to tell people you plan to die a virgin.
I'm starting to doubt that following more people is going to cure my winter depression. :(