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There are a lot of really happy smiling old people here today....you don't think last night they...oh gross.
Anne Hathaway has the same fake enthusiasm my mom had watching me play soccer at age seven.
Either I have the stigmata,murdered someone or just cooked with beets.
I need a massage. My back feels like I was dry humped by The Rock or The Gimp from Pulp Fiction last night.
Me: I'm pretty sure I paid my phone bill...but no one is texting or calling me back. Dad: Do your imaginary friends have imaginary phones?
Pink shirt pink tie combo today.think I've overdone the I'm not gay but my boyfriend is look I've had going.
I just accidentally ate two chocolate chip cookies meant for horses... and a third on purpose.
Canada...we're still waiting for you to apologize for Celine Dion.
On hold with a Defendant.I've heard Boston, Meatloaf and the Friends theme song so far.I'm really happy to be suing you.
The quantity of chest hair I have showing is directly proportional to the quantity of manual labor I am performing at any given moment
How is it possible I have a headache? I've taken a muscle relaxant, six aleve and a scotch.I shouldn't be able to feel my face.
Hey stankonia on the train looking over my shoulder reading my phone..you smell like sour patchouli and baby black tar.
Hey Golden Girls...the biggest gift isn't always the best you materialistic septuagenarians.
"Yay, its almost sweater season." - every guy ten plus lbs overweight.
I feel like a midgets penis has been poking my eye all day...or there is an eyelash I can't find roaming free
Some "unknown" keeps calling my phone with what sounds to be a marathon of Hoarders on in the background. I hate to think its not future me.
it is like a ghost town in my office this morning... everyone is dead and wearing linen sheets
My phone auto corrected Happy Thanksgiving to Happy Enslaving. Good thing I didn't send that to all my contacts. Oh, I did?
Why is everyone looking at me weird? Cats lick between their toes too... Fine. I'll leave the restaurant.
Old Navy wants people to violently loathe it right? There's no other explanation for their commercials.