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Twitter crushes are creepy and dangerous. (Not ours baby, our love is real)
I think it was Plato who said: give a girl a diamond and she'll smile forever. Give her friend a sharp object and she'll shank the bitch.
Dear creepy bar guy, I'll kiss the girl next to me right after you let the nearest gay guy cup your balls.
I can die happy now that I know the girl that picked on me in high school has an ugly baby. #Karma
Happy to announce that, once again, I have the best rack out of all the ladies in this meeting. #NowToCompareShoes
There's nothing that can't be accomplished with a little elbow grease, some cheese puffs and a 5y/o's mechanical toy set ablaze.
Walking while looking at my phone, I managed to walk into a men's restroom. It's ok though, I now have a date with the guy @ urinal #3
I have never put as much excitement and enthusiasm into anything as my 5 y/o nephew puts into telling people he has a penis.
Why do you smell like fear, shame and biscuits?
I've given my 2 weeks notice = margaritas at lunch
It's truly AMAZING how hard the higher-ups at work will kiss your ass when you're the #1 producer in the company & you hand in your 2 weeks.
Teaching a 5y/o to say "I'm one smooth motherfucker" because his mom said I looked "tired".
"Bobbi Christina to marry brother" - this is THE BEST dysfunctional family headline I've seen since the Woody Allen and Soon-Yi hookup.
Tori Spelling blowing into the wrong end of a clarinet, lowering it only to say "hey, didn't see you come in!" - daydream while mom talks
You don't know me. stop looking at me! DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE! (strikes a pose)