Twitter crushes are creepy and dangerous. (Not ours baby, our love is real)

I think it was Plato who said: give a girl a diamond and she'll smile forever. Give her friend a sharp object and she'll shank the bitch.

Dear creepy bar guy, I'll kiss the girl next to me right after you let the nearest gay guy cup your balls.

@juliussharpe "Pink Cadillac" prequel "pile of metal in Detroit"

I can die happy now that I know the girl that picked on me in high school has an ugly baby. #Karma

Happy to announce that, once again, I have the best rack out of all the ladies in this meeting. #NowToCompareShoes

@girlmacfarlane did someone call you out on it or are you trying to own it before it's brought up at the next Comic-Con?

My twittergasms belong to @cs70 @shock_monster @thebiggidea @tommyjay23 this week. #FF #ImGonnaNeedAShower

There's nothing that can't be accomplished with a little elbow grease, some cheese puffs and a 5y/o's mechanical toy set ablaze.

Walking while looking at my phone, I managed to walk into a men's restroom. It's ok though, I now have a date with the guy @ urinal #3

I have never put as much excitement and enthusiasm into anything as my 5 y/o nephew puts into telling people he has a penis.

@samgrittner little known fact, the mustache was founded on 60's news anchormen and then later became the "I'm an Ass" indicator for police.

So, the @shock_monster officially has the sexiest voice ever! #BT140 @beyondthe140

#FF @happysickmind @the_sculptress @teenagesleuth @naggalie @lunchyprices b/c I say so!

Why do you smell like fear, shame and biscuits?

I've given my 2 weeks notice = margaritas at lunch

It's truly AMAZING how hard the higher-ups at work will kiss your ass when you're the #1 producer in the company & you hand in your 2 weeks.

Teaching a 5y/o to say "I'm one smooth motherfucker" because his mom said I looked "tired".

"Bobbi Christina to marry brother" - this is THE BEST dysfunctional family headline I've seen since the Woody Allen and Soon-Yi hookup.

Tori Spelling blowing into the wrong end of a clarinet, lowering it only to say "hey, didn't see you come in!" - daydream while mom talks