The GOP wants people to suggest budget cuts. Join me in suggesting they cut the defense budget: http://bit.ly/YouCutMe

ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NOT NICK JONAS.

Sorry, you want to do *what* to him?

ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NICK JONAS.

Remember your constitutional right to live in constant fear that anyone you piss off might end your life with zero physical effort

"What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A bitch who will FIND YOU." Grandma says to say I didn't hear this from her.

What does Gene Shalit wear when he needs to comically disguise himself?

Relevant xkcd: http://t.co/YtJxlbh

I told my mom that success wouldn't change me. She started crying. "Why the hell not?"

Socially liberal, fiscally let the people die in the streets as I piss upon them from my mighty tower

Sure, at first you love your Bose surround sound. And then you watch some movies where people knock on doors.

When fat people get tattoos, they're kind of committing not to lose weight.

Oh shit you guys, Iran cracked down on the protestors! MAKE YOUR ICONS GREENER

You've got synesthesia, see what I'm saying?

Condoms are for pussies.

Oh, I know what an attention whore is! An attention whore is someone getting more attention than me.

Four more years of Nate Silver!

followed @radiomaru for months thinking he's this underground twitter-poet i've discovered and then i noticed he wrote Scott Pilgrim

Remember 9/11 when we all agreed out of respect not to discuss terrorism, or after Sandy we didn't talk global warming, or after the holocau

Brethren, sistren, let us gather on the last day of Twitter, for verily Oprah doth approach, and her people shall bring the Whale of Fail.

Twitter for Dummies? Thought we just called it Facebook.

How dare Google use Jesus's day to celebrate a Catholic hero who fought for the poor whom the world had scorned!