I don't care what happens in movies. If some aliens have the technology to fly here. Were fucked

I have plans to drink and clean my apt. Which usually results in me getting hammered and not doing anything

Just busted out my thriller dance moves. Icebreaker games are for pussies

Hey people speaking in spanish about me...just because I'm white doesn't mean I don't understand you

I could buy a house with the amount of change I find in my dryer

@2ndcitysaint the best thing to come out of canada since hockey

So theres a bunch of old guys walking around in purple frat gear here for a conference.....I dont even know how to joke about that

You seriously should have to pass an IQ test in order to reproduce.

Just convinced a coworker that I enjoy the smell of manure bc it smells like home and she bought it. They'll hire ne one...

What's the point of jeans if when you wear them they're at your knees?

I'd make a joke about how Karen's never been close to a vagina but I'm pretty sure he has one #talkshittokaran

So steve jobs resigned today. Did he leave a note saying Iquit?

My wrist hurts. I'd like to say its from the metal plates but we all know the truth...

If my salary barely supports my loans and drinking habit how do people afford kids?

Apparently you don't see the irony in getting a bible verse tattooed on your foot next to the intials of your child born before marriage

Do the unemployed bitch about mondays as much as people who actually contribute to society?

First person I see is a girl who added me on fb and tried to hit on me through there. Immediate 180 outta that bar

A stars and bars license plate cover? You do realize wisconsin will never be a part of the south right?

@redeyesportsguy o no Lebron said he's had a cold and can't sleep at night. More like he can't sleep bc he's having nightmares about DENG

Even in Karens fantasy he's only the sidekick #talkshittokaran