The dog only wants me for my hot, hot body.

Marriage. It's all about hiding in plain sight.

All I want for Mother's Day is a microphone.

If you want to build something like Iron Man, you've got to do it in YOUR basement - not your mother's.

The dark, dark days de Mayo.

Just realized I haven't been utilizing all of my resources. The master bath has a lock!

Thanks autocorrect, I love yutz!

You know you're a great comedian when you're family laughs hysterically at you whenever you announce that you have a new goal.

@untresor smh

It sure would be nice to see your pictures but these prison walls are thick!

Hey blondie! You're in the classroom, not your boyfriend's bed. Keep it down.

Recalibrating my dreams so they don't include other people.

@therandysutra At least they won't bite like the bitches upstairs.

I still feel thankful for the man who pointed a shotgun at me on the mtn and told me "You don't want to find out what's past me. Go back!"

@hiimles If it weren't for your tweets, I'd think you were a serial killer.

Even better than tweeting? Not thinking about anything.

Some kid just ran up to a man and said "We can't set the place on fire today, the fire department's already here!"
"Just get a sticker."

"Bag the game" and "clear a trail" seemed like concise instructions to me, but the kids still haven't cleaned the kitchen.

@mauriceblitz OMG you're here in Vegas! Which buffet you at?

I don't like it and I refuse to star it is the new "I'm King of the world!"