Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
The dog only wants me for my hot, hot body.
Marriage. It's all about hiding in plain sight.
All I want for Mother's Day is a microphone.
If you want to build something like Iron Man, you've got to do it in YOUR basement - not your mother's.
The dark, dark days de Mayo.
Just realized I haven't been utilizing all of my resources. The master bath has a lock!
Thanks autocorrect, I love yutz!
You know you're a great comedian when you're family laughs hysterically at you whenever you announce that you have a new goal.
It sure would be nice to see your pictures but these prison walls are thick!
Hey blondie! You're in the classroom, not your boyfriend's bed. Keep it down.
Recalibrating my dreams so they don't include other people.
I still feel thankful for the man who pointed a shotgun at me on the mtn and told me "You don't want to find out what's past me. Go back!"
Even better than tweeting? Not thinking about anything.
Some kid just ran up to a man and said "We can't set the place on fire today, the fire department's already here!"
"Just get a sticker."
"Bag the game" and "clear a trail" seemed like concise instructions to me, but the kids still haven't cleaned the kitchen.
I don't like it and I refuse to star it is the new "I'm King of the world!"
Gambling is not an addiction because I don't have the munchies.