I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet

Being drunk is the closest thing we have to magic

You win some, you booze some

I wish I had insomnia during the day

I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now

What came first, the asshole or the bitch?

Twitter is a place where people with no friends come to make friends they don't have to actually hang out with

My car and I have something in common; we both like to roll on E

All women are crazy, but it takes just one fucking asshole to bring it out

I wish we could vote people off Twitter

It's comforting to know that my boyfriend just posted a tweet and ignored my phone call at the same time....also why I like cucumbers

I really wish it was socially acceptable to punch people in the face

Sometimes I feel more appreciated on Twitter than in real life

Producing tweets should be as easy as your mom, but it's actually just as hard as your dad was last night

Guys please keep starring shit I'm using my phone as a vibrator

I either just peed myself or I'm really horny

A big shutout to all those people who follow then unfollow: FUCK YOU

I'm only a whore for the one I adore

When I'm drunk I'm better at doing things, including men

Leave it to my beaver