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I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet
Being drunk is the closest thing we have to magic
I wish I had insomnia during the day
You win some, you booze some
I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now
Twitter is a place where people with no friends come to make friends they don't have to actually hang out with
What came first, the asshole or the bitch?
My car and I have something in common; we both like to roll on E
All women are crazy, but it takes just one fucking asshole to bring it out
I wish we could vote people off Twitter
It's comforting to know that my boyfriend just posted a tweet and ignored my phone call at the same time....also why I like cucumbers
I really wish it was socially acceptable to punch people in the face
Producing tweets should be as easy as your mom, but it's actually just as hard as your dad was last night
Guys please keep starring shit I'm using my phone as a vibrator
Sometimes I feel more appreciated on Twitter than in real life
I'm not bipolar, I'm a woman.
I'm only a whore for the one I adore
I either just peed myself or I'm really horny
A big shutout to all those people who follow then unfollow: FUCK YOU
Leave it to my beaver